If love is blind then leave me alone

Ashe Wednesday's picture

In the past seven months I've realized how hypocritical people really are.

So I doubt anyone on here remembers me since I don't post much. For the past four years I identified as a lesbian, purely wanting and desiring women. And that was great; I dated enough, got shafted more times than I'd like to admit, had fun and fell in love. Yay, right? Right. It was funny because despite the fickle minds of my peers and ex-girlfriends every pegged me as The Lesbian: The girl who would never go back to dudes if her life depended on it. I hadn't planned to, honestly because there was no male in my life that attracted me or made me feel anything anywhere near what females had and continued to.

Inside my own heart, I fully believe that sexuality and gender is fluid and, in the larger scheme of things, does not matter. Should not matter. As much as I hear other LGBT people preach that Love Is Not About Gender and that love doesn't descriminate, I've heard the same people talk down about someone who has decided that, after identifying one way for an amount of time, has decided, for no one else's benefit but their own, to alter things to their own choosing. Now I will admit, I'm as guilty as anyone else for making fun of the stupid girls in my school who change boyfriends more times than they change their thongs and, every so often, will throw in a girl-on-girl makeout experience for bragging rights. These girls are purposefully putting their lives on display; that's what they want so there's no harm in talking about it. And to be honest, if that's how they wish to live their lives, fine! They will have to deal with the consequences, good or bad, and they alone. But someone who honestly knows themself enough to alter one detail about their life--a detail that does not even play a big part in thier total makeup--should be able to do so without having to hear a loads of shit anyone else has for them.

About six months ago (six months exactly tomorrow, actually) I started dating a guy. We've known each other for about seven years but lost contact after middle school. He found me on Myspace and we've been inseparable ever since. When we got some time to actually hang out he told me that ever since the 7th grade he had had a crush on me but oculd never work up the courage to tell me. Soon after that, he then told me he was falling in love with me and wanted to be my boyfriend. All I could think of was *??!? oh my gosh this isn't right this isn't happening* I knew what he was telling me was real because we're alike in the sense that love is NOT something we fuck around with. He drew me closer to him and with that I began to have feelings for him that I hadn't ever had for any male in my life. The love he had for me I began to reflect and I was incredibly terrified. At one point I thought letting him off was going to be simple and painless; I'd just say, "sorry, I'm gay" and that would be the end of it. But he would not take that and wasn't about to give up something he wanted. I'm probably making him out to be a bit demanding but trust me, that's not how he is. Heh, he's more of a girl than I am at times.

After I accepted my feelings for what they truly were, I put off dating him for fear of what my friends would say. I had heard what they said about people we knew and even friends we had and I didn't want to be the topic of that kind of discussion. As much as I'm not afraid of what people say, here I was denying myself the possibility of a healthy and honest relationship, something I NEVER had, because of what people might think or say. Then I thought to myself: *what the hell am I doing here?! Fuck this shit* So I told my at-the-time best friend in secret. She told her big-mouthed small-brained boyfriend, who told all his friends. So after ceasing communication with her I only mentioned it when the situation called for it (if someone directly asked). I got made fun of, people called me 'fake' and 'confused' as if I was going through my bi phase all over again. My friends told me they didn't know who I was and that I didn't make any sense. And when I would try to salvage what was left of my dignity by telling them that I was dating him because I love him and that this love they all talked about didn't care about gender, they told me, "well, this who I think you are..." and proceeded to tell me who I am. Does that make sense? No one in this world knows a person than that very person; no one else.

So I went from identifying as a lesbian to a lesbian who likes one guy to a lesbian who is in love with a guy to a brief bisexual to pansexual to, finally, someone who doesn't give a fuck anymore. I still love women, I adore their bodies, the mind and the distinct way we carry ourselves with delicacy and warmth. I know that there's a large possiblity that I will never be with another woman again and though that dissapoints me I also know there is something better with this man I'm currently with. There are still people who'll argue with me to the grave over who they think I am, and to this I say, "find out who you are and deal with your issues first, then come find me." I do what I want, and that includes who I date. And if this love you all speak of is as blind as you all say, then let me date who I truly love and allow me to keep my own fucking counsel.

-love, peace & hair grease-



wilma wonka's picture

similar situation

For the past year I've been identifying as lesbian but in the past few days I've been checking out guys and wondering if I could ever have a relationship with one. Currently, I think I might be able to have one of those 2 week, cheesy relatioships that were bound to fail from the start and never get intimit. I've tried to not identify as this or that but it's harder to loose the identity I ended up taking despite myself now that I've become so proud of who I am. Good for you for not labeling yourself. Sorry that you have to put up with so much crap from people about it. "that's just how it goes and goes". Yeah, people are incredibly hypocritical, just keep trying to make yourself not be one of them. Seems like you're doing a better job than most.

"gay: cheerful and lighthearted; merry." - The American Heritage Dictionary.

ForeverEndedToday's picture

Sexuality is fluid like

Sexuality is fluid like that. Congrats on being happy with your boyfriend! It must've of taken a lot of courage to stand up to your friends.