I'm back

bulldyke's picture

okay, this is weird. i haven't been on in...wow, more than a year. but i'm sorta back, i suppose. god, my life is so screwed up right now.
i'm trying to go out with this girl, (i'll call her R), but her mom's being a total bitch about it. not the girl/girl thing (she's actually really cool about that), but she doesn't want R to be dating anyone right now. and it sucks. we got to go out for a week (i asked her out on valentines day), and then her mom told me to back off, and told R that she wasn't allowed to see me. so we've barely seen eachother in months, and i really like her and ugh!
then, to make matters worse, i've been thinking about my ex a lot. we went out a couple of years ago, then she bailed ship when things started getting rough at my end (i got really depressed). we tried again a few months later, but she was to in the closet (to my out and proud) for me to deal with, so that didn't work. anyway, we've been sorta going out then breaking up and not talking for a year now. each time we start to become 'friends' i fall in love with her again, and we start to ease back into a relationship, and it's great, until i need some kind of emotional support. and she's just not there. the last time, i was the one who broke it off, cause she couldn't even talk to me about not being there for me when my best friend was in the hospital. i just told her that i was sorry, but that i couldn't deal with it. she's hurt me so many times, and yet, a part of me is still in love with her. and an even bigger part still cares about her. a lot. i want, a part of me wants, to be able to have a relationship with her, but i can't, won't, do that if she can't even tell me that she can't support me emotionally. it just doesn't work.
i'm so confused right now; i don't know who i want to go out with, or who i love, or anything!
when my ex and i got together the last time, we were so happy...or at least, she was happy. i...i don't know what i was feeling. i care about her so much, and i wish that we could work out as a couple, but i just can't. my friends tell me i'm insane to still have feelings for her after she's hurt me this much, but i can't shut it off! i don't even want to like her, i just do. i love her. i think i always will, at least in part.
this wouldn't be so difficult if i could actually be going out with R, instead of having what my therepist calls a 'long distance relationship from a hundred yards away.' my life is so messed up.