I <3 math. Whenever I have a good teacher and a challenging class I like it. This year I've had both. My teacher, Michelle, is the best teacher I've ever had in school. I've cared soooooo much about math this year. We took the non-calculator portion of the final exam on friday. By the end of the day she had graded them and gave me this note:
"you did really well on the non-calc part of the exam (highest grade in the class!) study hard this weekend nice job!"
yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!! I was the last one to finish the exam because I took soooo long to check my work, but it payed off.
On friday night I had to go dress shoping with my mom. I HATE SHOPING FOR GIRLS CLOTHES. i'm becoming increasingly more aware that I'm not really a girl. It's most obvious when I'm shoping for/wearing formal clothes. I wear boys clothes most of the time and my parents are fine with that. But when I'm going to a formal event then they make me wear girls clothes. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. As soon as I walk in the store all I can think of is out out out out out out out out out out out out, get me out out out out out. It sickens me, it just feels so wrong. Normaly I can just ignore my breasts, but when I'm in girls clothes they're so much more visible. I hate them, get them off get them off get them off get them off. That's all I can think about every time I go shoping. It drives my mom nuts. I nearly cry every time I go shoping. Maybe I'm making it into a bigger deal than it is but it just feels so wrong. I'm not out to my mom about my gender so she's just confused and annoyed (reasonably so) but I think dealing with a few bad shoping incidents is easier to deal with than realizing that your perfect little baby girl doesn't want to have a girl's body.
My parents are all screwed up. My dad has bipolar disorder which makes him too depresed to hold a job. I often worry that he'll kill himself. He was fired last fall and hasn't been able to find a job. He feels really bad about that. My mom isn't helping much. She's constantly shifting between "it's ok, we love you even though you don't bring in that much money", "how could you do this to your family", and "I've finaly realized that I can do this on my own". They talked about getting divorced this morning. I was in my room and they were in their bedroom. our rooms are right next to eachother and they're connected by a heating/ac vent. Dad wants to leave cuz he thinks that all he does for the family is cause trouble. He also thinks he's fucked up his life and wants a new begining. There's a certain amount of truth to that but getting a divorce won't help much. Mom says she wants him to stay but doesn't do a very good job of showing it. I heard her crying through the vent. She feels guilty because she wants him to go at least a little bit but knows he won't be able to take care of himself and doesn't want anything too bad to happen to him. It was getting too depressing and I had history home work so I put on headphones, turned up the music and focused on World War II. I don't think they realized I heard because they haven't talked to me about it and I think they would have if they knew I had heard or if they had come to a decision about wether to get divorced.
This also means that I'll have to put my life and coming out to them on hold because the last thing they need is the stress of all of that.