This is never-ending.
I wrote a while back that my crush for C was done for, but turns out maybe not so much. This is such a messy situation to me, just because I'm pondering my "motives" [so to speak] for liking C; is it just that I'm lonely, is it purely just honest feelings, is she as good as it gets for now? What? Why?
I gave up that "I need to be with someone!" part of me in middle school. I do look forward to having one once again, for that extra level of comfort with someone, someone to trust and just in general feel really close to. But I don't sit around in desperation for a significant other. So I've mostly ruled this aspect out. But still... could it be that I'm just looking for that extra level of comfort etc and she's the closest I've come to it? C and I are so close and so comfortable with eachother, that it seems nearly inevitable for me to fall into that "this should be my girlfriend" kind of mindframe [even if it could be just "aw she's my best friend" kind of a deal as well].
I try to rack my brain as to what I like about C, what initiates the feelings? She's easy to talk to about anything and everything, she's got a great sense of humor and understands mine, I feel at ease with her, she's compassionate, affectionate and genuinely cares for me.
Now, what don't I like about C? Uh... nothing about her personality, she's cute as hell, but I guess there is something as far as our relationshop goes.
It's rather difficult to explain. When I picture my idealistic gilfriend I imagine us talking about CDs we made eachother for hours, watching eachother's favorite movies and shows, reading eachother's favorite books, talking about our lives and in general just being super-connected [name the song and I'll give you a virtual high-five!!]. You know? And while C and I do exchange quite a few mixed CDs and dicuss them briefly, and we've watched a couple movies we both like, it's like were' not soo connected that we want to be intertwined in eachothers lives. Make sense?
It's basically the barrier between best friends and girlfriends, I suppose. I mean sure, best friends are probably going to know more about you than a girlfriend, but there's this whole other level with having a significant that you just open up a whole new room in your heart and mind for, you know? They get an extra part of you, as cheeseball as that sounds. And it really feels like doors are shut and both ends. Which would make sense because we're not girlfriends. But it's confusing because we're already so close that it's like, would being girlfriends make us closer?
I don't know, my mind gets so jumbled up in thinking when it comes to this whole thing with C. Sorting it out is a lost cause. It's thinking about how close we already are and what the difference between that and girlfriends would be. Because even though my best friends do get a whole new level from me in trust and comfort, I do believe that the door is still shut as far as girlfriend for C and I'm wondering if it's because she's just not my girlfriend, or if she's just not meant to be the one to go through.
Really, I don't know if that's even what I mean. Ugh.