Oh, damnit

electricity's picture

This is never-ending.

I wrote a while back that my crush for C was done for, but turns out maybe not so much. This is such a messy situation to me, just because I'm pondering my "motives" [so to speak] for liking C; is it just that I'm lonely, is it purely just honest feelings, is she as good as it gets for now? What? Why?

I gave up that "I need to be with someone!" part of me in middle school. I do look forward to having one once again, for that extra level of comfort with someone, someone to trust and just in general feel really close to. But I don't sit around in desperation for a significant other. So I've mostly ruled this aspect out. But still... could it be that I'm just looking for that extra level of comfort etc and she's the closest I've come to it? C and I are so close and so comfortable with eachother, that it seems nearly inevitable for me to fall into that "this should be my girlfriend" kind of mindframe [even if it could be just "aw she's my best friend" kind of a deal as well].

I try to rack my brain as to what I like about C, what initiates the feelings? She's easy to talk to about anything and everything, she's got a great sense of humor and understands mine, I feel at ease with her, she's compassionate, affectionate and genuinely cares for me.
Now, what don't I like about C? Uh... nothing about her personality, she's cute as hell, but I guess there is something as far as our relationshop goes.

It's rather difficult to explain. When I picture my idealistic gilfriend I imagine us talking about CDs we made eachother for hours, watching eachother's favorite movies and shows, reading eachother's favorite books, talking about our lives and in general just being super-connected [name the song and I'll give you a virtual high-five!!]. You know? And while C and I do exchange quite a few mixed CDs and dicuss them briefly, and we've watched a couple movies we both like, it's like were' not soo connected that we want to be intertwined in eachothers lives. Make sense?

It's basically the barrier between best friends and girlfriends, I suppose. I mean sure, best friends are probably going to know more about you than a girlfriend, but there's this whole other level with having a significant that you just open up a whole new room in your heart and mind for, you know? They get an extra part of you, as cheeseball as that sounds. And it really feels like doors are shut and both ends. Which would make sense because we're not girlfriends. But it's confusing because we're already so close that it's like, would being girlfriends make us closer?

I don't know, my mind gets so jumbled up in thinking when it comes to this whole thing with C. Sorting it out is a lost cause. It's thinking about how close we already are and what the difference between that and girlfriends would be. Because even though my best friends do get a whole new level from me in trust and comfort, I do believe that the door is still shut as far as girlfriend for C and I'm wondering if it's because she's just not my girlfriend, or if she's just not meant to be the one to go through.

Really, I don't know if that's even what I mean. Ugh.

Comments

Toph's picture

I don't have a lot to tell

I don't have a lot to tell you because best friend crush's are soooooo confusing! Someone needs to write a guide to dealing with best friend crushes. Anyway, all I have to say is follow your instincts. They're usually right.

~I love goodluck rubs ;P

Lol-taire's picture

I was talking to a friend of

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how childhood 'best-best friends forever!' kind of thing is in some ways like a preliminary for romantic relationships when you get older.

When there aren't many other actual queers around, I think maybe you start to substitute friends into the roles that a girlfriend would normally provide.
Even though I get a bit fluttery when ever I see AC at the moment, it's more that I want someone like her than I actually think our friendship could or should change.
The 'extra-dimension' (in my opinion that separates a close frienship from a romantic relationship is the physicallity and the exclusivity- no-one else occupies the same mental space that you do. It's maybe not that you're closer, but that it's a different type of closeness.

Anyway I think we're both in really similar (sinking) boats. I think we both just need to find someone proper, so everything isn't so damn theoretical.

electricity's picture

Oh, clarity on the

Oh, clarity on the extra-dimension thing. It is a different kind of closeness. That's how I was looking to describe it.

I'm sorry you have to be in the same boat as me, but I'm glad I'm not alone. Honestly, I good gay girl would be really great about now. Really, I'm looking for anyone to get me off this stupid crush. Start clean, you know?

yesac's picture

once again

we are on the same page. Seriously why the straight girl who's your best friend, and they loveeee to take advantage of the affection you give them???? whyyyyyyyyyyyy my gawd, brainwrecking girls!

electricity's picture

Oy, I know. It's

Oy, I know. It's frustrating. And that's an understatement.

Btw, I just figured out your screenname backwards [I know, brilliant of me] and that's the same name of my crush, just spelled differently.

yesac's picture

definitely an understatement

definitely an understatement hahaha I'm away from my crush. I'm back in Asia, and she's all the way in toronto and i still like her. IMPOSSIBLE TO GET RID OF.

Wow, you're goood *nods* how's hers spelled?

electricity's picture

Kasie. And yeah, it's crazy

Kasie.

And yeah, it's crazy how this one just seems permanent.