questioning my gender

wilma wonka's picture

Is there anyone on here who now is completly sure they're trans but used to be questioning. Everything I've ever heard about people who are trans says that they knew from a VERY young age. They also never seem to have gone through a questioning faze. I used to be really girly when I was younger but in 2nd, 3rd grade I began puting myself in a different catagory from other girls. Now I I hardly identify with girls at all. Could this just be a faze? Can someone still be trans even if they didn't start feeling like it until they were fairly old?

Lol-taire's picture

Could it not just be you

Could it not just be you don't identify with the girls around you?

There are very few girls I actually identify with, as in would place myself of a similar wavelength. I often enjoy conversations with boys more than I do girls. I indentify even less with traditional models of womanhood- I do not identify with regency ladies, passive Roman wives or meek Pauline Christian women. But I'm definately, indisputably female.

It's not whether you feel like a girl, so much as it's do you actually feel like a boy?
And more importantly fast forward your mind 60 odd years, in that retirement home can you picture yourself as an old man more easily than you can an old woman?

Because no doubt it's easy to be a hot young androgyne, but in your life can you see yourself actually living as a grown man?
And I don't mean an independent woman, or an unconventional woman, or a woman who defies stereotypes in dress, job or hobbies, but I mean a man with his own set of gender stereotypes to live with? I mean getting to be middle-aged and having a middle-aged pot-belly and eyebrows growing out everywhere and earhair? Would you feel less disconnected in a male body, with all a body's failing as you age, than you do in a female one? I mean I don't look forward to my girl body getting middle-aged, but I can still see it would be my body (even once it does sag and wrinkle).

And I mean this as inoffensively as possible but it seems like it's getting sort of trendy for young lesbians to be questioning their gender. I'm sure this doesn't apply to you (I've read some of your other journal posts) and it doesn't invalidate the questions they're asking.
But just don't jump to conclusions. Being trans is, I'm sure, horribly, horribly difficult.

Ask yourself if you didn't know it was possible to be transgendered- if you'd never met any trans people- would you still feel you were in the wrong body and not just the wrong society?

Not liking the accoutrements of feminimity doesn't stop a person being female; they're just cultural and, fortunately nowadays, optional.
Unfortunately I can't tell you what it actually is like being trans- because I'm not. Hopefully someone who is can cut in now.

All I'll say is we all feel uncomfortable in our own skin sometimes, but I at least know it's the right skin. I guess that's what you need to work out; whether you're just uncomfortable or whether it isn't yours.

Zoe's picture

I did go through denial at

I did go through denial at one point. It took a little while for me to stop denying things and accept it.

Toph's picture

Um..well I'm not trans but I

Um..well I'm not trans but I did sometimes wonder if I was. Then I just realized I don't want to identify as female, but neither as male. I think its because of my parents constant reminders that I'm a female and that'll hinder me in life. Everytime the house was dirty or someone was hungry my dad would say it was my responsibility to tend to those needs. I ask him why my other brothers couldn't do it, and he said because I'm a girl! At least once a week (used to be everyday) my dad would ask me how old I thought I'd be when I'm married. Also asked when I'd have a child (Eck. If anything, I'd adopt a poor child rather than have my own demon).

And I HATE my breasts. I get so embarrassed when I accidentally bump them into someone or something. I hate looking into the mirror and seeing them. I feel so awkward when I go out in public without binding. But, I wouldn't want to be a man. I'd just rather be my comfortable self, which tends to be rather dyke-ish (but not so hardcore)

Funny story. One time I was at a restaurant. Crazy curly hair, black athletic shorts, male T-shirt, but I didn't bind (cuz I can't find it!!!) Anyway, I walked into the bathroom and there's 2 little girls washing their hands. When they see me they just freeze and look at eachother awkwardly. Yeah, apparently they thought I didn't belong there. AND when I got back to my table, it turns out they were right next to me. They were whispering to their mom and pointing at me. It was so funny, but kinda annoying.

ANYWAY (sorry I get distracted), maybe you don't identify as female, but probably not as male either. I dunno, it's up to you how you feel. Just like Lol-taire said, imagine yourself for the rest of your living as male or female. Is it what you really want? Or maybe imagine yourself female, but ignoring all gender roles. Does that sound nice? I dunno. Its up to you.

I'm not trans, but I do sometimes wonder myself (every now and then) so PM me if you want to talk. We can even talk on MSN Messenger if you like, so PM me for that too.

~I love goodluck rubs ;P

Lol-taire's picture

sorry it's stupid but I've

sorry it's stupid but I've always wondered- isn't binding really uncomfortable?

Toph's picture

Well, when I bind it doesn't

Well, when I bind it doesn't completely makes my breasts dissappear. They're just less noticeable. Some girls do it that they're pressed completely flat.

Yeah, it takes awhile getting used to and it does hurt for a long period of time. I've NEVER slept while binding because just being a full day in it starts to hurt. Though my breats aren't very large (about a B? I dunno I wear sports bras) but I imagine for girls with large breasts it would hurt a lot.

~I love goodluck rubs ;P

Lol-taire's picture

I tried just now (with a

I tried just now (with a scarf- so um pretty rudimentary) to see what it was like and it just meant I couldn't breathe properly. But I'm on the largish side of a D cup (and they keep on growing). It's just as well I like them, because I don't have that much choice anymore.

I can see why it would be nice for them to be less noticable though, not least because I get a lot of random male attention when I'm out by myself. It's not flattering, I'm under no illusions- strap a couple of water baloons on a dyson and parade it down the highstreet and I'm pretty sure someone would shout at it at the traffic lights.

Anyway, I digress (and have slightly highjacked someone's heartfelt post about possibley being transgendered).

Arthur's picture

Completely flat???

Psha...I wish. 36 C doesn't really allow for "completely flat", unfortunately. Depending on how tight I bind, it can hurt. (once I pulled a muscle in my back, tried to move the other way, and started to pull in my chest!!) Mostly makes it hard to breathe though, have to stop and rest a lot...s'funny, cause my niece asked me once when I had just gotten home and wincing and trying to catch my breath, "Is that REALLY worth all that?" and I told her, "To be me? Yeah, it is."

Scaryness though, is that there's a history of breast cancer in my family. That means I get a lot of crap from my friend (who hates that I'm Trans ANYWAY) about binding. I don't know whether I should care though. I mean, as stupid and horrible as it would be to get breast cancer, would I still have to pay for a mastectomy if I had it???

my three wheeler rox's picture

...

Well, I'm not trans either. I consider myself a stone butch. There are days when I refuse to go out in public without binding, but there are days when I want to be somewhat feminine. There was a time when I thought I might be trans, but I had many long, hard thinking sessions about it and talked it out with a few people, and I decided that I wasn't ready to make the decision to live the rest of my life as a man.
Good luck, my dear.

I speak fluent redneck

Don't apologize for calling me Sir

Arthur's picture

I'm Trans

But I don't know if I was ever questioning. I think I just settled for "lesbian" cause I didn't know what else to call it. Then I read the book "Luna" by Julie Anne Peters and it was like a lightbulb went on and I was like "Oh, I'm Trans." 'Cept I'm FtM. :nod:

"I'm not gay, it's different. I'm a girl."--"Luna"