the ghost's picture

Here I go again with another journal entry.I have never made so many journal entries in such a short space of time!I don't think my journal entries even have any continuity.I seem to jump from one thing to the next.I think it depends on my mood what I write about.I'm feeling all self reflective(I think that is the correct term) today.

I have been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my life at the moment,and where I was this time last year.So much has changed for me.I started a whole new chapter in my life.I started college,I got a new job,I have met a lot of new people.But thinking about it I have spent these past ten to twelve months trying to cling on to my old life.My old friends,the connections,in-jokes and all the laughs you have with the people you spend nearly every day with.But trying to cling on to that life,and keep things as they were is just futile.None of us are the same anymore.

Everyone in our little group has changed.Some of the others started college too,got boyfriends or girlfriends,and made new friends.Of course we are all still friends.But now when we meet up,it doesn't feel the same anymore.It just feels like something between us has changed.I guess it is because we aren't all as close anymore.Instead of just knowing what is going on in each others lives we have to tell each other all about it.It just makes me feel sad a little bit.I know it is cheesy but I miss how things were.Even though I love meeting up with them.It makes me feel sad because it is a reminder of what is not there anymore.Jeeze I sound so dramatic.

I have made some new friends and stuff.But I really just spent the year missing how life used to be.I think the problem was that I wasn't ready for the change to happen.I don't think I really considered how things would be.I have spent so much time this year pre-occupied with trying to keep things as they were,that I have missed out on letting myself move on.I think basically I have realised that it is time to let go.Of course I can keep my old friendships,but I need to accept how they are now and let go of the past.I think it is the only way to be happy.

As I was saying in my journal a few days back(hey I do have some continuity lol) I want to come out more this Summer and stuff, that is where I am going with my life right now.This time last year I was still so scared of anyone ever finding out.I think that fact stands as a fact in itself that I really am not who I was anymore.So I need to stop trying to be who I was to try and keep things the same.Yes I have changed,they have changed.I need to let go and appreciate what we all are now.

I doubt anyone has read this far.(If you have thanks)Does anyone here listen to Missy Higgins?I just discovered her a few days ago and I cannot believe how amazing her music is.She is also rumored to be bi.


Y - GuRl's picture

hey buddy

Holding onto the past is a dangerous thing mate, like you said, you gotta take on the new stuff and change in a positive way otherwise it's gonna make ya feel worse. I've done it way too much so I've learnt from it, you can't appreciate things when you're not even trying to yeah. And you should pat yourself on the back for being out to two people when you never thought you could be hey and keep moving into that positive direction.

Ah Missy Higgins, I can't get my head around her strong aussie accent in her songs.. she's alright though. Hehe 'missy higgins lesbian' is one of the most googled things ever (yes I admit I have done it). If you do it, there's this massive message board of people debating whether she is or not.. funny stuff. It's definitely the hair.. she's growing it now though :[ I thought she was really cute with short hair (that's the dyke in me talking).

pomegranate's picture

I read it,

don't worry. you're not boring anyone. and congrats, cuz it seems like you've come a really long way in the past year. so have I!
and i totally get what you mean about wanting to hold onto the past. I think it's perfectly natural. Change is scary. thing is though, you have to let go of the past to make way for the future. and it sounds like you have an exciting future headed your way, what with coming out, making new friends, being more confident in yourself, etc.
best wishes hun!

taste the rainbow's picture

I feel like, after reading

I feel like, after reading what what you've been through this past year, is what I'm going to go through next year. Next year will be my first year in uni//out of high school. I can see it coming already haha, but I feel like, this process is something that everyone has to go through, so props to you for making it through!
but yes, change can be a scary thing. letting go of things/people that we've attached ourselves to can be even scarier. however, as life goes on, it throws so many new opportunities in our hands, it'd be impossible to juggle them all //to maintain.
hmm, I don't really know where I'm going with this anymore.... .. I'll get back to ya a year from now, after I figure things out for myself :p