So here continues the next chapter in liking C...
She likes me. But it's not as simple as the sentence it's stated in.
The other day I messaged her and bluntly told her I still liked her, and summarized some of the explanations I tried to work out in my last in-depth journal entry. She replied and asked if she was doing anything to promote it, if she was too affectionate or something. I replied and added [in my attempt for closure] that my wishful thinking always took over and made me wonder if she did have some feeling for me, even though I knew she didn't and went on to say: "...But I've never really gotten an 'I don't have feelings for you' out of you, just an 'I'm straight'... you don't have feelings for me whatsoever [I know the answer, dumb question]?"
She responded with: "Can I be frank? I'm straight... But sometimes when we hang out I find myself attracted to you." [I know. WHOA.] But see, this is also where the complexity starts. She goes on to say that sometimes she likes me and sometimes she doesn't. She's unsure. She finishes the message by saying "I'm straight. I like boys. I don't like girls. But I kinda like you." And I don't know, I really liked that last line.
So we've been messaging back and forth and she explained that it's all very confusing for her, because she's never liked a girl before, and it's not even a constant feeling. That's the major battle: she's wishy-washy on feelings. I think that since her focal point has always been guys, having a girl come into the picture blurs the vision a little.
Another battle was the whole "ruining the friendship" subject, and how if things ended badly we might lose the friendship we have now. I kicked that theory in the nuts. I said that sometimes it's worth the risk. Not that I don't care about our friendship, just that I'd hate to hold back on something good, you know? And what if we were in an actual relationship? What would she tell people in giving them an explanation on how she likes guys but likes this one girl. She added that she wasn't so much afraid of what people thought, but that naturally, a question of sexuality would come into play, adding to her confusion.
I told her that she needs to seperate sexuality from her feelings for me; that she needs to think of me as an individual instead of seeing me as one of the girls she doesn't like. Worry about the person, and then question the rest of their kind and sexuality. You know?
Another thing was that she kind of wanted a guy for a first relationship, because she's more clear on them then she is on me. [Psh]. I felt the same way when I was still insecure in my sexuality, honestly. I got it too. And I can understand that. It gave me a taste of being with a guy, and I had it to compare to how I felt about girls, you know? I think it did help in the clarity. But it still sucks that she feels that way.
We've gone pretty in depth and have been fully honest. On one hand, I'm glad that there might be something, but it's the biggest downer ever that she's not sure. She told me she wasn't going to tell me because she was afraid of me getting my hopes up when she still wasn't sure if she really liked me. She thought about telling me when I first told her I liked her, but wanted me to get over her so I could focus on "somone nice who is sure." [She was kinda of big on that, and even though she had a good intention, it rubbed me the wrong way that she wanted me to get over her. With that, she kept saying that it would probably be best if we didn't date for all the reasons I've mentioned. Ugh.]
And so now I [or, we] have no idea where to turn. I'm solid. I like her. But she isn't so solid. She's said "I don't know" countless times and seems to be totally up in the air about it. So I guess I have to let her figure it out.
And now being around eachother at school isn't quite awkward, but it feels like it's hanging in the air around us. I have this newfound look on her, in knowing that she's actually had feelings for me. I got butterflies I few times when she's smiled at me. I don't know...
I definetely didn't get the closure I wanted in messaging in her. But this could be better. Or not. We're at a fork in the road here.