Last year I came out to my friend Phoebe and told her I had a crush on her. I also told her not to tell anyone. She was straight but she seemed fine with it. She was soooooo nice, she put her arm around me and said "that's ok, I'm not gay but we can still be friends". She didn't act any differently around me. She's still one of the very few people I feel comfortable talking with about girls. It meant so much to me that she didn't care what my sexuality was or if I liked her. Last wednesday I was with another friend, Lenore. She said that Phoebe had told her about my sexuality and that I liked her pretty soon after I had come out to Phoebe. Lenore said that Phoebe was uncomfortable with the fact that I liked her. So her reaction was even nicer than I thought, and I already considered it the best reaction anyone's had to me coming out. It makes it immpossible to get ticked off at her for telling lenore that I was queer. I love it when people have such good reactions, it makes me feel like I'm on top of the world.
When i spent wednesday night with Shelby, my crush, and Lenore, I was staring at a magazine about hair styles and ooing and ahing at all the hot girls. It was probably the gayest thing I've ever done but it was pretty fun. Anyways, Shelby comes over and starts looking at it with me. We were huddled up pretty close, it was really cute. What better way to stare at hot girls than with her? There was this one picture that we both pionted to at the same time and said "she's pretty" in unison. It was just one of those wonderful moments. She says that she's bi but She's always talking about boys who she thinks are hot. It was nice to hear her show some intrest in girls for once, gave me a lot of hope.
I've heard that PMS doesn't always make you really depressed and angry, sometimes it makes people happy. Gerneraly it makes me irritable but this time it seems to be making me happy. So happy that I've considered asking Shelby out and thinking that it might work out. I also havn't been so depressed about my gender, I've hardly thought about it for the past two days. Today I was just like, "I'm me and that's okay. I don't need a gender, I can go through life without it." I havn't felt the urge to bind which is a big relief because it hurts after a while. I don't think I can go through life completly ignoring gender, I tryed and it didn't work which is what spured on this whole "what the hell am I?" confusion thing.
And my dad's been seeming happier, which always makes me feel better, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I couldn't overhear all of mom and dad's fights. I hate hearing them fight, who doesn't?
I did really well at the harp recital : )! Everyone there was like "omg you're amazing". I've been playing for longer than anyone else who was at the recital so the pieces I played were much more impresive. I'm used to thinking of my hands as really weak because they're not strong enough to do scales and other things that require strength, but I sounded so strong compared to everyone else just cuz I'd been playing for so long. There was this little girl there who had started only 4 months ago. She was really cute, in a little kid sort of way. I kept thinking to myself "as small as she is, I was a year younger than her when I started and small for my age" . It always surprises me how young I was when I started. Gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling to think about it.