ACK!:Extended Edition

apuffalogic's picture

Okay.
My previous entry (which happened to be my first) summed up in Hemingway-esque detail my clumsy coming-out to my mom. "ACK!", as it was appropriately called, was in my later musings thought to be collecting a bunch of replies yelling at me not to waste the site's time with so many periods. However, much to my surprise, I got encouragement, and was commended for my bravery. Woohoo! What a site.
I also promised to say more.

SO.
It was a hot and sunny night.
I was sitting there on the computer, plunking away, cackling at that "Corrupted Wish" forum game. I don't know what the heat was causing to evaporate into the air, but I felt...happy. Like, high-off-the-paint happy.
And a friend, somehow sensing my rather baked vulnerability, brought up a conversation in MSN (or Live...is it Live, now? Whatever. I use Gaim anyway...or is it Pidgin...?). We typed to each other for a while, and I was still in that bizarre mood, and all was well with the world.
Okay. Now here's the dramatic part.
I don't know whether it was because of the air, or my reading on the whole "coming out" thing, or two-years of collective self-psyching. Whether it was one of those reasons, something else, or a combination thereof, every time my mom came by, I considered actually telling her...bizarre, huh? Why then? Why here? It was completely out of the blue. And once, I came so close, that I got my adrenaline rushing. And, you know what? Once you've gone that far, it's not even worth turning back.
Now, my mind has this weird relationship with the concept of "thinking". If I want something done, I ought not to think about it too hard. If I do, then the idea just freezes in my head, paralysed because I've overthought the strength out of it. Hey, you musicians out there, you know when you've played a song so much that it just kind of gets branded into you, when you don't have to think about it, but you forget it the moment you do? Well, that's kind of it.
I know this about me. So, leaving my brain totally in the dark before it could smother the thought, my larynx just sort of took over. It didn't matter that I'd forgotten everything I'd read. It didn't matter that the windows were open and she'd probably suffer a coronary. Because that's what your brain thinks about, and right now, I wasn't letting it.
I'm going to need, I said to my MSN friend, some encouraging words, like, really soon, okay? brb
So, yeah, I told her, my mom. Short, sweet, and to the point (um...not my mom). At first she just kind of stared with this lockjawed smile. Then she was like:
"You're happy?"
No, I said. Like, literally, mom, gay.
"Happy?"
Gay.
"Happy?"
Like, sexuality, mom.
"Is this some sort of personality quiz?"
No, mom. For the last three years, I...Come upstairs? Great. Progress.
So, we discussed it, and she's pretty much convinced that I just haven't been open enough with the opposite sex, that my hormones haven't started working quite well enough yet. And she said it almost exactly like that. She doesn't believe me. Amazing. Even after my explanation that it wasn't that girls repelled me, but that guys attracted me; even after my repeated assurances that I've had three years to think about it. I know I have to be patient, but c'mon!
Wait. It's not over.
My nerves were really screwed up by this time, so after our little talk I went back to my friend on the MSN thing. I really wasn't thinking straight (no pun intended) and I basically told her that. Except with more swearing. After repeated assurances that no, she wouldn't tell, I told her that I had just come out to my mom. Therefore implying that I was gay. And you know what surprised me?
So? Whats wrong with being gay?
Amazing. Really not what I expected. Maybe I'd gotten this town completely wrong, even after six years of living in it.
Man, I love you. I replied
And the best part is, she lamented, I don't have to read too much into that :)
The End(-ish). Still have to tell my dad. Eek!

P.S. I got a "thanks for telling me" hug from my mom a bit afterwards. I think I'll be okay.

Comments

Campfire's picture

Congratulations! Glad your

Congratulations! Glad your friend was supportive.

Now please, remember to close your HTML tags so that you don't put the whole site in itallics.

P.S. You have no idea how old I feel seeing someone come out who was born in 1994.

"If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon."
- George Aiken

apuffalogic's picture

oops...

Okay, tags nice and closed. I put the forward slash on the wrong side of the 'i'.
Sorry about that inferiority complex I'm giving you about your age.
____________________________________________
"Orthodoxy is unconsciousness."

Icarus's picture

what's really bad is when

what's really bad is when you're sitting there thinking, "you're too young to come out!" and then you realize you were the same age when you came out....

god, i'm only seventeen and i feel old now...

but congrats on coming out! that's a brave step to take!

"Yes! No! Oh, damn!"

apuffalogic's picture

Okay, you've made your point

You guys are making me feel ridiculously young.
Well, maybe I am, but please don't remind me, okay?
Maybe I'll roll back my birth-date a few years...is that cheating?
It's amazing how profoundly different our views of what makes a good age are.
____________________________________________
"Orthodoxy is unconsciousness."

Campfire's picture

!

You possibly took my comment as a criticism, it certainly is not.

I think it's just wonderful when someone who is of a younger age is able to feel they can come out. I mean, I felt "gay" at the age of 12, I just didn't feel it was possible to come out back then. It wasn't until 6 years later, at 18! Making someone feel old isn't an inherently bad thing, it's just something I felt I wanted to comment on. It could actually be viewed in a positive light in many ways. Anyway I always make my colleagues at work feel old. Most of my immediate colleagues are in their 30s, 40s, sometimes 50s, and they mention things I've never heard of - they always tell me I make them feel old!

Either way, you should be proud of yourself.

"If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon."
- George Aiken

apuffalogic's picture

Hey!

Don't worry. I just like using big, offended sounding words. I'm not that emotionally fragile. Give it a few years, maybe, and we'll see. But not now.
____________________________________________
"Orthodoxy is unconsciousness."

nydolls1973's picture

OMG 1994 You are a

OMG 1994
You are a youngun.
Anyway, good going, that must have been INCREDIBLY difficult....especially the "convincing" part.
–––
the anti-philosophy of spontaneous acrobatics / tristan tzara

bulldyke's picture

Meh, I was thirteen when I

Meh, I was thirteen when I came out the first time. You're young, but brave. Congrats on coming out. From my personal experience, I think you're mom'll probably come around; it's usually quite a shock when you first hear it. And us younger folks tend to be taken less seriously. She certainly doesn't sound homophobic; just stunned.

But seriously, it takes balls to come out, especially when you've no idea how your parents are going to react. Major points to ya!

Bulldyke
"I prefer the term gay because, well, lesbian has three syllables!" Emily Sailers, 1/2 of the Indigo Girls (duh)

98 percent of the teenage population will try, does, or has tried smoking pot. If you are one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy

nydolls1973's picture

wow..

After you said that, I just realised I was 14. 1994 doesn't seem like that long ago since my sister was born in 1994 and she's still a little kid to me!
It's crazy how the years pass.
===
o how it hurt me sharp in the vein
it would never let me be still and still.

gaynow's picture

Congrats!

Huh, you're mom's tactful, isn't she? But seriously, it's really brave awesome that you came out (to her and to your friend, who sounds great). Trust me, it gets easier every time. Good luck with your dad! Tell us how it goes! (In your earlier journal you said you were suprised how supportive people on this site are. Well, it goes even further. There are many people on this site, myself included, who live vicariously through other people's journal updates. So be sure to keep us posted!) ^^

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

5thstory's picture

Congrats! If I was half as

Congrats! If I was half as brave as you, my life would be so fine. I bet your mom will be ok with it after a while, just let her go through the 5 steps of grief, and it'll be alright (and if she hugged you, I bet she won't take too long to get to the acceptance step). Anyways, Congratulations again! Good luck.

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

whateversexual_llama's picture

Congrats on coming out! And

Congrats on coming out! And no worries, I was the same age as you when I joined... give or take. We need to keep fresh meat joining the site *evil grin*

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.