My previous entry (which happened to be my first) summed up in Hemingway-esque detail my clumsy coming-out to my mom. "ACK!", as it was appropriately called, was in my later musings thought to be collecting a bunch of replies yelling at me not to waste the site's time with so many periods. However, much to my surprise, I got encouragement, and was commended for my bravery. Woohoo! What a site.
I also promised to say more.
It was a hot and sunny night.
I was sitting there on the computer, plunking away, cackling at that "Corrupted Wish" forum game. I don't know what the heat was causing to evaporate into the air, but I felt...happy. Like, high-off-the-paint happy.
And a friend, somehow sensing my rather baked vulnerability, brought up a conversation in MSN (or Live...is it Live, now? Whatever. I use Gaim anyway...or is it Pidgin...?). We typed to each other for a while, and I was still in that bizarre mood, and all was well with the world.
Okay. Now here's the dramatic part.
I don't know whether it was because of the air, or my reading on the whole "coming out" thing, or two-years of collective self-psyching. Whether it was one of those reasons, something else, or a combination thereof, every time my mom came by, I considered actually telling her...bizarre, huh? Why then? Why here? It was completely out of the blue. And once, I came so close, that I got my adrenaline rushing. And, you know what? Once you've gone that far, it's not even worth turning back.
Now, my mind has this weird relationship with the concept of "thinking". If I want something done, I ought not to think about it too hard. If I do, then the idea just freezes in my head, paralysed because I've overthought the strength out of it. Hey, you musicians out there, you know when you've played a song so much that it just kind of gets branded into you, when you don't have to think about it, but you forget it the moment you do? Well, that's kind of it.
I know this about me. So, leaving my brain totally in the dark before it could smother the thought, my larynx just sort of took over. It didn't matter that I'd forgotten everything I'd read. It didn't matter that the windows were open and she'd probably suffer a coronary. Because that's what your brain thinks about, and right now, I wasn't letting it.
I'm going to need, I said to my MSN friend, some encouraging words, like, really soon, okay? brb
So, yeah, I told her, my mom. Short, sweet, and to the point (um...not my mom). At first she just kind of stared with this lockjawed smile. Then she was like:
No, I said. Like, literally, mom, gay.
Like, sexuality, mom.
"Is this some sort of personality quiz?"
No, mom. For the last three years, I...Come upstairs? Great. Progress.
So, we discussed it, and she's pretty much convinced that I just haven't been open enough with the opposite sex, that my hormones haven't started working quite well enough yet. And she said it almost exactly like that. She doesn't believe me. Amazing. Even after my explanation that it wasn't that girls repelled me, but that guys attracted me; even after my repeated assurances that I've had three years to think about it. I know I have to be patient, but c'mon!
Wait. It's not over.
My nerves were really screwed up by this time, so after our little talk I went back to my friend on the MSN thing. I really wasn't thinking straight (no pun intended) and I basically told her that. Except with more swearing. After repeated assurances that no, she wouldn't tell, I told her that I had just come out to my mom. Therefore implying that I was gay. And you know what surprised me?
So? Whats wrong with being gay?
Amazing. Really not what I expected. Maybe I'd gotten this town completely wrong, even after six years of living in it.
Man, I love you. I replied
And the best part is, she lamented, I don't have to read too much into that :)
The End(-ish). Still have to tell my dad. Eek!
P.S. I got a "thanks for telling me" hug from my mom a bit afterwards. I think I'll be okay.