Flipping the straight crush paradigm...

jeff's picture

Lord knows I don't have to describe the straight crush syndrome on here. It should almost have its own link in the navigation, bringing up all posts referencing a straight crush.

And, being older and living in a gay ghetto, it doesn't really enter the picture much for me anymore. I don't really know the last time I was into a straight boy. Hell, I could have slept with a boy who identifies as straight by now, as I don't really ask their orientation... you know, if we're not dating or anything.

But, thinking back to high school, I started questioning the entire straight crush syndrome and I think for many people, myself included, we may be seeing it backward.

In eighth grade, I started at a new junior high (opened that year), so there were new students that I didn't really know from previous years. And, I remember hearing some girls in the hall who were checking out the new guys and one of them said "John has a nice ass." I'm not certain if I knew him then, and I was far from accepting myself or identifying as anything close to gay, but I sat behind John in math class.

Slowly, we became friends, and he is still one of my best friends back home.

Of course, when I started accepting my fagulosity, John was my straight crush. But it begs the question... which came first, the gay feelings that attracted me to him or the friendship?

Do we have this whole straight crush thing backwards? Thoughts?

5thstory's picture

That might be it -it is not

That might be it -it is not that they are straight, it is that they are friends-. Now that I think about it, both my straight crushes have been friends first. Now, if it was friendship that brought feelings, wouldn't that mean that friendship would be impossible if there is some kind of physical attraction?

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

jeff's picture

One more level out...

I'm saying you were attracted to them first, perhaps subconsciously, and as a result became friends. So, as soon as you sorted out the sexual feelings, they lined up with the people you picked as friends *because* you were attracted to them in the first place.

It's sort of like now, if someone is cute/interesting and in my extended circle, I start chatting, become friends, see if it leads to anything else, etc. Friendship often comes before dating and all.


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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5thstory's picture

Being no expert in the

Being no expert in the matter, I would think that both are possible. Depending on the situation, no? I mean, sometimes it might be 'safer' to develop feelings for someone you already had the chance to 'study' from a more objective point of view, and other times friendship is just used as a way to get to attraction feelings. Seeing your point, I would agree and say that it might be more normal to befriend those you are attracted to -in some level- in first place. But can friendship -a real, long-lasting one- work if there are desires for more than friendship -even subconsciously- from one of the parties. Now, you'll have to excuse my very poor argumentation, I just made a tangle out of myself. :P In a few words, you are right. Hehe.

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

Lol-taire's picture

My having crushes on people

My having crushes on people is basically the method by which my close groups of friends have formed.
At the Convent I had a thing for GP- and so I made friends with her, and her best friend and then we made friends with other people and formed a little group. My crush on KL meant she was inducted into that group, but it was also through her I really made friends with CA and VB. Then at the start of 6th form I had a thing for AC, so I made friends with her and CA, RL and VB made friends with her through me.

Definately the crush comes first- at least with close friends. If I've been really good friends with someone for a while the idea of anything sexual starts to feel rather incestuous.

Crush is the stupidest word in the world.

the ghost's picture

You could be onto something

I never gave it much thought before,but yes I think in a lot of cases I have been attracted to people who I have eventually become friends with.Just recently I started working with a new girl and instantly I was attracted to her.She is straight,but I have been getting to know her better,and I think the fact that I am attracted to her has pushed me to talk to her more.So yeah the crush has come before the friendship.
But it isn't always like that for me.I have been good friends with people whom I didn't have feelings like that for,but as I actually got to know them better I have developed crushes on them.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

Disney's picture

Interesting view, definite

Interesting view, definite truths in it, but siding with it makes me support the notion that all friendships/love interests are based around the ideas of attraction to various attributes.

We all like certain things about others more, for some, it's money, others like old fashioned good looks, a lot want someone with a brain - how many need to be present to merit someone worthy of 'friendship' status, subconscious or not? How many need to be present to elevate someone to 'romantic interest' level, subconscious or not?

My straight crushes so far have all been on males that I was not friends with first. Still, I wouldn't crush on them almost at all UNLESS they had attributes I'd WANT in a friend. I've had crushes on attractive but moronic/cruel people before, but I wouldn't even attempt friendship with those people.

I wouldn't say that an identified friendship is necessary for a crush/romantic relationship to begin, it obviously helps though, but anyone that any human bothers to associate gives that human something. It's probably either an emotional or a material gain. The depth of the emotional gain is called into question in developing how far you want to be in contact with the individual though - 'No, I'll just admire from afar; he can never carry on a conversation' vs. 'I smile when he's there, he makes me laugh within minutes of sitting down'.

I think that a crush comes first, but the above describes the truth IMO of how almost everyone develops a positive relationship of any sort. Another question: Do we look for attributes we hold ourselves, when looking FOR friendship? Do we look for all these same attributes when seeking a 'crush', or ignore some? I.e. I only want a friend who can cheer me up, rather than: he's hot, that's that.

ACCgirl's picture

I don't know, I'm rarely

I don't know, I'm rarely attracted to the girls that end up being my close friends. This really only happened in one case, and she ended up being my current girlfriend. All of the straight crushes I've had were either silly passing fancies for cool acquaintances or, in one case, a girl who was in my innermost circle of friends for a large chunk of my life and who I loved as a friend before all the other frustrating feelings kicked in. Falling unexpectedly in love with a straight best friend is a horribly sordid affair and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.