fuck

bulldyke's picture

sorry for those of you who have tender young ears, but i need to vent.
ugh. just found out that racheal's not going to be back til just before school starts...she's in utah, getting help. help that she needs, but christ i miss her. it's like there's this hole inside of me where she used to be. just this gaping wound, where her arms used to hold me...where i used to kiss her in the park, and where we would spend every second we could together while she was on break. this hole where we went swimming together; bowling together; just...sitting together in the shade and talking. this hole where we used to text every night...when i could tell her 'good night' and 'i love you.' i'd give anything to say that to her right now...just 'i love you, and i miss you'. seven words.
but no. no, she's in utah, getting help. help that she needs. help that i know that i can't give her. help that...i don't even feel bad for not being able to give it to her, i just...want her to know that i'm thinking about her. i want her to know that i'll be here, waiting for her, when she gets back. i didn't even get a chance to tell her that...
i hope she's thinking about me...and yet, at the same time, i hope that she's not dwelling...not obsessing. i hope she's having a good time. i hope she's getting help...
that's the only thing that's keeping this bearable...knowing that it's for a good cause, if you will. knowing that she's...going to be better from it. because it's true, she's not perfect. she's not sick, but she's not entirely well. and i have so much respect for her for getting help. she's so strong...
god, it hurts so much, being apart from her. 6 weeks. by my calculations, i doubt she'll be gone for more than six weeks. that's not too long, right? i can survive for six weeks. get a job, make some money, work out...kill myself on my roller blades again.
it hurts so much...even knowing that she's doing okay.

i'm strong; i'll get through this. i've survived everything else. it's only six weeks. fuck.