God damn the entire fucking world!!!

bulldyke's picture

I'm so sick of everything. I'm even sick of not having anything to be pissed at! My cell rang this afternoon, at about noon. I was still trying to get to sleep (got about 2 hours last night), and I threw it across the fucking room!

This fucking sucks. The only one who could even get close to me right now is in fucking Utah, and I can't do a damn thing about it! I can't call her, or e-mail her, and damn it, I miss her!

I'm sick of being all rational about it, and reminding myself that she's doing some really good things, and that she'll be back in just 4 weeks, and all that shit, and ya know what? It doesn't change a damn thing! She's still not here, and she's not going to be here for me any time soon!

I'm trying to keep sane, and out of that damnably dark pit of depression, but it's so hard. I just want to hold her...talk to her...cry on her shoulder for a bit.

I'm trying so hard to be okay. To stay strong, so that when she does come back, she won't be worried about me. But I'm so scared that her mom's going to make her stay in Utah. That she won't be done by the time school starts. I'm so scared that by hoping she'll be coming back, I'm damning us both.

I'm so tired of waiting. 5 and a half months I've been waiting, and I'll go for another 5 years, but I just want to go out with her. Is that so much to ask? I've finally found someone who loves me back, someone who doesn't batter me emotionally, or put me down, or lead me around on a fucking leash, and we can't fucking go out! The universe has a piss poor sense of humor...

Sorry for making you read all that.

Comments

5thstory's picture

We should make of 'God damn

We should make of 'God damn the entire fucking world!' a mantra, it is quite relaxing to say it. I am sure she will be back, and Utah will be past, and you'll be quite happy.

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

bulldyke's picture

It does feel nice to

It does feel nice to say.

You don't know her mother, or what they're struggling with. I'm not so sure...

Bulldyke
"I prefer the term gay because, well, lesbian has three syllables!" Emily Sailers, 1/2 of the Indigo Girls (duh)

98 percent of the teenage population will try, does, or has tried smoking pot. If you are one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy

5thstory's picture

You are right, I don't know

You are right, I don't know what her and her mother are going through...I guess all I can do is to wish you real good luck, and to ask you to never lose hope...as long as hope exists, anything can happen.

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

bulldyke's picture

Thanks...I'll keep it in

Thanks...I'll keep it in mind.

Bulldyke
"I prefer the term gay because, well, lesbian has three syllables!" Emily Sailers, 1/2 of the Indigo Girls (duh)

98 percent of the teenage population will try, does, or has tried smoking pot. If you are one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy

utter_insanity's picture

*gives you one thousand hugs*

That has to suck. Hang in there, okay? I don't really have any advice, because I honestly don't know what to say. Maybe if you joined some kind of club or something in order to pass the time? For example, you could go to a book club that has two-hour-long meetings, and for those couple of hours, you could concentrate on the meeting instead of your girlfriend being gone. That probably doesn't help much, but it's all I've got.

*gives you one thousand more hugs*


"Women in rubber will ALWAYS be flirting with me!" --Maureen in the musical RENT

bulldyke's picture

Aww, you're sweet. *returns

Aww, you're sweet. *returns hugs* thanx

Bulldyke
"I prefer the term gay because, well, lesbian has three syllables!" Emily Sailers, 1/2 of the Indigo Girls (duh)

98 percent of the teenage population will try, does, or has tried smoking pot. If you are one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy