[I wrote half the damn entry and it got erased. Now I'm pissed. I was pissed writing the entry, and that just topped it off. Christ.]
Let's start with what a pleasant experience it was telling my mom C and I wanted to "date" or "test relationship waters" back on the 4th of July. My mom's supportive, yeah, but she's been testy of my sexuality with questions like "Who do you think about sexually? [Yeah, wierd] "Who are you more attracted to?" and the statement "I guess you'll know for sure when you start having sexually active relationship." Ugh, shut up. I'm gay.
Well this iffyness reappeared when I said "C and I have decided to date." She didn't get it. Why date when we already know eachother? Well, mom, we just want to test the relationship waters. But is C gay? No, mom. Well then why bother? Because she likes me. But if she's not sexually interested then why bother? We can like eachother and not want to have sex right now, mom. But she didn't get it. She went on to talk about how her and her dead best friend her soulmates, but they never felt the need to be girlfriends. And it's like, Jesus Christ, mother, there's a difference. You just liked eachother as friends, C and I like eachother as MORE than friends, you know? I was so frustrated at this point, and wanted so badly to just go ape shit. I got angry with her and just said "C and I want to date, ok? We like eachother as more than friends and want to be more than just friends." Just recalling it makes me so mad.
From then on, I've decided I'm not discussing shit with my mom again. I didn't tell her when C and I had our first kiss, I didn't tell her when we started dating, and I normally would. Within two mintues of my first kiss ever, she knew. Mom and I are best friends, but the topic of girlfriends has been made uncomfortable now and I don't want to go through the whole questioning shit again. I do think she knows, though. She loves C.
So, the next mom. C held off on telling her mom at first. Her mom is pretty chill, too, and took it well when C told her that she liked me, but what scared us was that her mom would treat me differently and think of us differently and that it would effect things, you know? Like, she would treat me like a boy, instead of how she treats me now [which is welcoming, somewhat loving, etc]. But today she told her. I got a text that said "I told my mom" and I sat down, dumb-struck, and repeated Oh my God, over and over. I was scared, quite honestly.
It really kind of put me on kind of an edge, and when C and I talked about it later, I was quiet and upset. Her mom did the same kind of thing, the "I don't understand why you can't just be close friends" deal, and it didn't bother C much, but it really bothered me. I don't really know why, either. I mean, I guess they just don't understand. It's not like either of them are wanting to prevent it, persay, but they just don't see for it. Maybe that's what bothers me. I don't know.
C said "My mom thinks she's just too old to understand." And I said, "No. No she's not. It's not that hard to get..." I felt like crying. Honestly. Her mom does support us, though, and she likes me, so yeah... I guess all is well. C said she started crying when she told her mom in a restaurant. Poor thing. That must of been a hard thing, and I give her credit for doing it.
I just hate that both of our moms are so lost as to why we want to be together. Because we LIKE eachother. Just because C is straight, and doesn't like other girls besides me, I don't know... that throws them off I guess. But the feelings for another person always comes first before sexuality, you know? It has to lie in how you feel about another person, instead of how you feel about that gender. But our mothers don't get that, and maybe that's what frustrates me.
I don't know, but when C and I were saying our goodbyes, I was upset. She asked if everything was ok, and I faked a yes then said maybe not so much, but I couldn't explain. The best I could come up with was that the whole thing in general was getting to me. She texted me and said "Hey, don't worry. My mom loves you. And above all I love you.Isn't that what matters?" [We say 'I love you' but don't mean in love, just for the record.] And she's right. I'm glad it went considerably well and her mom is ok with it.
I'm not upset now. I mean, some of the things mentioned still bother me, but I'm ok. Yeah...
Things are alright.