I havn't been on since sunday *gasps*, that's a really long time for me, I usualy go on every day or every two days. The reason I havn't been on, I hurt my right wrist. I did it by playing the harp. I've been practicing a lot more and I hadn't been holding my shoulders correctly which made me approach the strings at the wrong angle which my wrist compensated for by tightening and bending all the way back. Then on Saturday night after I practiced my wrist started hurting. It really freaked me out cuz I met this harpist once while I was on vacation and here's the conversation we had:
me: HI, I play the harp, I'm on vacation. I havn't played the harp in a few days would you mind if I played a song or two on yours?
Creepy Harpist: youuuuuuu play a haaaaaarp biiiiger than youuuuuuuuu?!?!?! Youuuuuuuu will get arthritis sooooo bad that you cannot coooomb your hare!!!!!!!!*launches into this long lecture about her friend who can't comb her hair because she got such bad arthritis from playing the harp in that same creepy vioce.
Me: *runs from the room as fast as possible
So, yeah, I'm really afraid of hurting myself so whenever I get the slightest pain I freak out. Last night was my harp lesson. I talked to my teacher about it and she helped me so now it feels better. yaaaaaaaaaay! : )
Since I'm going to come out at camp I realized that I'll finaly be able to show pride!!!!!!! I went to this bead store that's near my house to try to find one of those interlocking female sign beads or a necklace with that but they didn't have anything of the sort. They didn't even have triangles or any pride jewlery. arg. O well. It's too late to order stuff off the internet cuz I'm leaving on Tuesday and I don't want to have to talk to my parents about this, they're fine with my sexuality but I doubt they'd be fine with pride or being very open, they'd get embarassed. I was looking foward to showing my pride but there are other ways to do that without teeshirts and etc.
I HATE REHERSALS. you'd think I'd be used to really long, really tedious rehersals by now because I was in all three school plays last year and in hell week (the week before opening night) you have to stay till 9 or even 10 pm to rehers every week night and there are rehersals on weekends a few times. But today was one of the worst rehersals I've ever been in. It was a rehersal for the play that the campers at the camp I'm working at put on at the end of the session. My job during the rehersal was to keep my 18 campers who were going into 2nd grade silent and sitting for 4 HOURS in an approximatly 10 sq foot space. They hardly do anything in the performance, they sing one short song and participate in the 8 of the all camp performances. There are 27 acts in all. They were actualy doing stuff for maybe 25 minutes of the 3 and 1/2 hour long rehersal. They got bored and antsy and talkitive (who can blame them?) and I had to keep them silent and still and squished in the tiny space they were supposed to sit in. They were sooooooo antsy by the time lunch came that they started running around and trying to beat up eachother and another CIT. Most of it was play but some of it wasn't so I spent my lunch trying to distinguish which was which and keep real fights from breaking out. The kids got play mad at the CIT who they were fighting (all of this was one big joke) because he had made them sign a contract during the rehersal promising to behave. The contract was in cursive so they couldn't read it. So the kids are pretending to get mad at the CIT who did this. One kid, Frankie, remembered when he talked about how much he hated Bush (he is REALLY libral and hates Bush with a passion) so she said that he looked just like George Bush. It was really funny to hear such a little kid say that. Then it was back to rehersal. arg. fotunatly it's done now.
Recently I've been wondering if my current gender identity is just a phase. I know lots of people go through a time when they think they're bi before they're ready to accept their sexuality. I'm wondering if my not identifying with a gender is the same sort of thing, I'm not ready to admit I'm trans, so I say I don't have a gender. I don't know, I toyed around with the idea of being trans for a while but it didn't seem to fit. In the end it doesn't actualy matter. If sometime down the road I really do start identifying as a boy fine, having gone through this phase (if it is that)won't matter.