808Chik's picture

hey everyone.
i know i haven't been on for awhile. i'm so sorry.
it just sucks not having my computer anymore. really REALLY sucks.
i think though that i have also become a very very uninteresting person now. like yeah. nothing is new. nothing has happened.
except...the boyfriend. the famous "oh my god you have a boyfriend". yup. i should be happy. i guess...at times....i am happy.

can you hear me being hesitant in that one little sentence?
idk what's the problem. i have a boyfriend, who is everything that i've ever wanted in a person (girl/guy). i think maybe that's the problem.
you ever wondered why no one really finds the person that fulfills their take of the "PERFECT" person? its because people (although some don't want to admit it) like flaws. flaws that show weakness. flaws that show that no one is EVER the word, perfect.

no one is perfect, just themselves. that's the beauty in life. individuality.

every damn darn day and night. laying in bed, walking outside, sitting in the car, or whatever i am doing at certain moments (usually every sec) of the day or night. i am thinking of what to do about this. idk whether i should give up anything i have with him or to let this happen and see where the hell it goes. either to hell itself or to someplace (i guess) better. my mind/heart can't make a damn decision.

maybe i'm scared. confused. too frustrated to think. fuck idk. i hate complaining. i just don't know what to do. honestly.

there are times...when i think to myself. who is this person that i have become? and how have i become this person? i wonder about it. at times i feel that i am a very bad person even though a lot of people think differently about me.

i've been thinking WAY too much lately and it's not doing any good on my mental state. i wish that things just weren't the way they are. let me go back. back to when i didn't have to decided what i wanted to do and it was already decided for me whether i liked it or not. give me a list of decisions on a certain problem and watch me stare at you wanting the easy way out. einey miny meiny mo. anything is better than nothing.

i guess. i should give some background on this guy. he's smart, says he "just gets by" but i don't believe it. he's been going to this Upward Bound (college prep program) for about every summer since freshmen year. taking all these super high classes c'mon AP (ADVANCE PLACEMENT) well excuse me. lol. he's nice, caring, and kind. he's the kind of guy that texts me asking if i'm ok like 50 billion times. but he's also the kind of guy that makes silence a NORMAL thing when we're on the phone. is there anything to talk about? nope just me rambling about any RANDOM thought that crosses my mind.

he's really family-oriented (don't we all love this in someone). one word: babysitter nah jus jokes. he goes to church. parents who expect a lot from you + a church that says its a sin if you go out with people that aren't in the church= something that i ain't ready for. he asked if i went to church and i said no. he asked if i was willingly to go with him because of his parents and what did i say?...i said i wouldn't mind. i've said a lot of things to him. i love you counts as one. is it bad if i said it because it sounded really right at the time?

*sigh* i've been on 2 dates with him so far. i've been with him for about 3 weeks...a month on the 17th.

i feel that at times i am lying to myself and that i'm going out with him because i am lonely and he's someone to get my mind off my ex. i feel that at times he's a really cool guy and i'm glad that i know him. i feel that at times we should just be friends and that was the way it was supposed to be. & i feel that at times it sorta feels right.

idk. fuck it. whatever.


Toph's picture


I'm sorry and I wish I could help more. Reading this, you sound happy then it goes to sad and then a kinda in-between. You sound really confused and I wish I could really help. I'm just gonna toss out statements and thoughts that might get you thinking a little more that'll hopefully help. I'm gonna give you a "stay with him" prompt for every "don't stay with him" one. Here goes.

You said "...parents who expect a lot from you + a church that says its a sin if you go out with people that aren't in the church= something that i ain't ready for." Just think about it. You said it yourself. "I ain't ready for".

Also, this guy does seem perfect. Maybe he really isn't, but that you like him so much that you see him as perfect. You know that if you have feelings for someone you won't be seeing flaws.

Is the confusion simply cuz he's a guy? If it were a girl, would you be having this problem?

Do you feel comfortable dating a guy? Because there may be that emotional bond, but when it comes to being physical it might be a different story.

And now some other statements...

What are your emotions telling you? Just the emotions.

Now, approach this through logic. Can you see yourself happy with a man?

Now, your instincts. What are they telling you to do?

And now some of my own thoughts...

When I really like someone, I think of them all the time. I think of all the things we could do or how excited I am just to hear from them. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder how she is doing. Everytime I think of her, I get happy.

Now, think of how you felt when you really liked someone. Are you having similar thoughts and feelings? I know you're not supposed to compare relationships, but you're not really doing that. You're going to compare the whole base-line/basics of the relationship to see if this is the real deal.

I hoped I helped some. I'm really sorry if I just made things worse.