I don't think I wanted to kiss the boy

the ghost's picture

There is a lot going on in my head right now.It seems like life is at a stand-still for me but at the same time I have all these things buzzing around my head.Hmm I don't think I am explaining this very well.
Well anyways I will pick up from where my last journal left off.I went to the party last night and managed to mingle with both friends and not be pulled to either side.I pretty much made it clear that I wouldn't be getting myself dragged into it.So I am optimistic I can keep a friendship with both,just very seperatly.Which sucks.But that is how it is.

To be fair though the friendship situation was actually knocked down the stakes of stuff to make me uncomfortable for the evening.One of my friends friends was at the party.I never met the guy before in my life,but just ended chatting to him.But as the night progressed he totally started hitting on me.We were all dancing and stuff and I didn't intend to give him the impression I liked him.But as the night moved on it was clear he was totally into me(this sounds really arrogant but its how it happened).I started to try and move away and mingle with some other friends.But they were all like hey he is totally into you,you should go for it.And it seemed that I just kept ending up back with him on the dancefloor.I knew he was going to kiss me and it felt like part of me was saying go with it because I seem to just have these stupid little tests set up for myself in my head to make sure I am gay.But then there was something stopping me too.I just couldn't go with it.I really didn't want to.Then I started to question and analyze myself as to why I didn't just kiss him.Hmm now I feel like I have made a huge deal in my own head out of something that didn't need to be made a big deal of.
Arrgh I guess I still feel sometimes that I am still in the between land of just not being fully comfortable of saying yeah I am totally gay.I know I totally dig girls.But then its always like i'm scared I may have made a mistake and perhaps am into guys too.
Someone just smack me I'm stupid!


Starry Sky's picture

wow, do i know how that

wow, do i know how that feels!
we all go through it, because everyone of us has a part that just wants to fit in. but the rest of one knows that one just isnt wired that way. so how do you figure it out? well, maybe you like the idea of a boyfriend, but that doesnt always mean you like the boy. youll figure it out