I hate my body

wilma wonka's picture

My period started yesterday. I've been getting it for about two years and I'm still not used to it. I still get monster PMS. I rarly get through it without breaking down and sobbing for no reason at least once. And I get mad and I lash out at people and I still groan in surprise and disgust every time it starts again. I just can't get used to it. Most girls my age don't really care about their period, they're very cassual about it. I'm not like that at all. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!

I was practicing harp today and I just kept crying, I couldn't help it. I wasn't pissed off at the harp, most of the time, I was just really depressed. While I was sitting there I contemplated killing myself. I would if I believed in the whole "your spirit lives on even after you die" stuff. I love my spirit, my soul, who I am and who I'm becoming, I just hate my body. If I knew for certain that I could keep my spirit and ditch my body by killing myself I'd probably do it. I don't know about that actualy, I'd miss a bunch of stuff: harp, acting, softball, friends, family, oasis, etc. I want a way to shed my body and just be a presense of some kind that can still function as a normal person and is still treated like a human, not a boy or girl, just human. G-D DAMN IT! I don't know what I want. I know killing myself isn't the answer, but I hate my body so much.

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

If your period has lasted two years, you might want to see a doctor.

Hmm, let's see. You hate it, yet it comes every time regardless. Which of these things can we change, your attitude or your body's natural cycles? Tough one...

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

wilma wonka's picture

both actualy

I read in the newspaper a while ago about this form of birth control that makes your period stop for as long as you take it. I'd ask my doctor for it but then I'd be either have to ask for birth control or explain what's going on with my gender, neither of which are really an option. It's not just my period, it's my whole body, the fact that I have a girl's body, and how people judge me and see me and act around me because of it. It's just shown so well through my period and how I think about it. It's a lot easier to explain than everything else that shows how much I hate my body. If I changed my opinion about all of the little stuff and my period then I'd have to change my gender and that'll probably work about as well as my attempt to change my sexuality. Besides, as I said, I like who I am. I like my lack of a gender. I don't want to change that.

Did any of that make sense?

"gay: cheerful and lighthearted; merry." - The American Heritage Dictionary.

Toph's picture

Ew, I hate periods too.

Ew, I hate periods too. They're the most disgusting thing. Whenever I had my period, it made me feel like the grossest creature. Not to mention that the period was a big flag going up saying, "Haha, you're a GIRL! A nasty bleeding GIRL that's gonna be popping babies!". Ew.

Binding and the lack of a period makes me feel kinda like a neutral gender, and I like it.

That is tricky about the birth control. Well, maybe you could talk to a doctor in confidentiality or something like that? But then it'd cost you. Um...are there Planned Parenthood and teen clinics around? I think they give birth control out for free.

wilma wonka's picture

ummm, a few minor problems with that

My mom's on the planed parenthood board, or used to be, anyways, she works in that field and knows everybody there. I think if I did that it'd get around to her eventualy. I could say that I have REALLY bad PMS (that wouldn't be a complete lie) and I want to stop my period for that reason. I think she'd think I'm being overdramatic, give me some meds to cut down on cramps and mood swings and whatnot. I don't want to talk to my doctor cuz I havn't told anybody about my gender (well, I kinda did, I told one person that I was questioning it but I havn't told him that I don't have a gender) and I don't want the first person who I tell to be my doctor. I like him and all, but I'd rather tell someone I'm closer to first.

"gay: cheerful and lighthearted; merry." - The American Heritage Dictionary.

dykehalo's picture

I know it's not the same

I know it's not the same thing (cuz i love being a girl and stuff) but i totaly hate my period.. like eww it grosses me out... although i've been lucky it's my 6th yr of having it and like i get it for 3 days if i get it i go months without getting it (I should see a doctor but i like it that way).. But i get horrible PMS like headaches, can't eat, can't sleep, not many cramps though. But i can't even stand looking at a pad and forget about shoving a Tampon up my va jay jay.
~~~Fear is only a verb if you let it be.. don't you dare let go of my hand~~~

brenna0729's picture

The birth control...

isnt it called depo??
i was going to see about getting on it.

Cleopatra's picture

what is it that you specifically hate?

Wilma Wonka, if you do not love your body, nobody will. It's just that you have to accept what it is. I know a lot of girls/women who totally hate having periods, but c'est la vie. Though I know that it's not just the periods you hate, your entire body it is.

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. "- Lester Burnham, American Beauty