My period started yesterday. I've been getting it for about two years and I'm still not used to it. I still get monster PMS. I rarly get through it without breaking down and sobbing for no reason at least once. And I get mad and I lash out at people and I still groan in surprise and disgust every time it starts again. I just can't get used to it. Most girls my age don't really care about their period, they're very cassual about it. I'm not like that at all. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!
I was practicing harp today and I just kept crying, I couldn't help it. I wasn't pissed off at the harp, most of the time, I was just really depressed. While I was sitting there I contemplated killing myself. I would if I believed in the whole "your spirit lives on even after you die" stuff. I love my spirit, my soul, who I am and who I'm becoming, I just hate my body. If I knew for certain that I could keep my spirit and ditch my body by killing myself I'd probably do it. I don't know about that actualy, I'd miss a bunch of stuff: harp, acting, softball, friends, family, oasis, etc. I want a way to shed my body and just be a presense of some kind that can still function as a normal person and is still treated like a human, not a boy or girl, just human. G-D DAMN IT! I don't know what I want. I know killing myself isn't the answer, but I hate my body so much.