I need help.

dykehalo's picture

OMG my dog is such a wuss.. lol i walked from my house to front road (3 blocks) then left over to laurier (3 or 4 blocks) then left down to some street i forget the name of (5 blocks) and then left to huron and another left at huron(4 blocks) and down to my house. But like my dog who is still a puppy gave up at about the 10th block and i had to carry him for about 3 blocks. It took forever though like 16 blocks should be easy but it took like 45 minutes cuz of waiting at traffic lights and it being nine and all.
But it just felt good. I love the endorphins from excercise... granted it's walking but it felt good. I had soo much to think about.... my life and just everything. .
I haven't posted a journal for a couple days at least and really haven't been around which i'm terribly sorry for. But i'll start at thursday cuz that's when it changed the most.
I was babysitting for my almost step-mom (we'll just call them step-mom and such to keep it clear but she hasn't moved in with my dad or anything). But anyways i was babysitting for her my 3 step-siblings at my dad's house cuz at their house (they live with their grandparents) were their grandparents and my step mom B isn't getting along with them so i babysit at my dad's house. So anyways It was teh youngest and only girls birthday.. her 8th birthday. The kids asked me all day to come over for dinner and presents and such.. normally my dad would have gone over but he was going out of town. So i went over and opened presents and stuff afterward everyone went outside and i was sitting in the back yard with B and we were talking.. and i wasn't sure if the kids knew they were moving in at my dad's in the fall so i asked her i said "How much do the kids know... i can't keep secrets all summer" and she explained that they knew everything and that no one knew how much i knew because she had given my dad an altimatum (sp?) that either he tell me or i don't get to babysit because it wouldn't be fair to anyone so as i've said in a Previous Entry he told me at arby's.
But me and barb talked for like an hour n a half outside and then we went inside cuz the kids had to go to bed and we talked some more.
But like when she asked my dad how telling me went all he said was "Fine". My dad isn't one to talk about things.. especially with me.
But she basically checked in with me and actually told me stuff about their relationship.. i told her i knew about it LONG before it even existed.
But it brought up horrible feelings and i went home and had a long convo with my mom and sis- who know one has talked to.
So mostly on my walk i was thinking about that stuff..... And just how mad i get and upset i am and how much i hate my dad. But i geuss me and Barb are getting along.
The only thing that sucks is we were talking and i mentioned how my sister's friend steven is coming down (GAY!!) and she's like your dad said he was gay *shudder*..
Me- Ya he is.. he's coming down for pride. Why do you have something wrong with gay people (knowing fully well she does- been there done that had that convo about other people i know and she sudders everytime).
Barb- it's just gross and wrong.
HOW THE FUCK am i ever gunna be able to come out to her and my dad my dad is already a homophobe. ARGH i'm just mad about it a geuss. I need a counselor... anyone know how i can bring that up to my mom?????
Like i used to go to one at school but she got sick this year.

Comments

gaynow's picture

Argh. Ouch, I'm sorry. I

Argh. Ouch, I'm sorry. I dunno, I guess you could google around and see if there are help lines or something. But, barring that, it'd probably just be good to reason with them little by little. And then, says me idealistic mind, they'll get it sooner or later, but I'm probably wrong because I've never face-to-face met anyone quite that bad... yeesh. Good luck!

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