I'm so sick of all of this.

Arthur's picture

I hate to vent about this in this manner, but I can't really bring myself to dump it on any of my friends, so it will go to the general population, or rather, those who care to read it. I just can't sit with this anymore, so if you're in the line of fire, I strongly suggest you move.

Can I quit now? I just want this all to stop. I want "Gwen" to stop messing with my mind (God, help me, I want to be with her, but all she sees when she looks at me is a girl! THAT'S NOT ME!!!), I want to be a guy NOW (Impatience trumps virtues, so ha.), I can't stop the STUPID dumbarse feeling that I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life (God, someone just shoot me, cause according to a "friend" of mine, "No girl wants a guy with it stitched on."), I can't stop feeling alone! I have about ten people I could talk to, not to mention people who are basically non-biased, and I feel like the only bleeding sod on the planet. What the hell is wrong with me?! I haven't gotten adequate sleep for a week because of all this shite and I just want to leave all of this behind.

I want to transition. I want to be a guy now. I want to find someone who will love me for me, not what they see.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

Your profile says you're 18, so you can do absolutely whatever you want now...

Of course, I'm always more practical than emotional, so rather than just having some amorphous desire, what do you need to transition? And how exactly do you plan to transition?

If you eventually want the full surgical deal whereby the girls are gone, and downstairs is more convex than concave, then you should be in college. This stuff is expensive, so get a degree so you can eventually pay for all of this. That's step one.

If you only have a small group of good friends, doesn't that make transitioning easier? Less people to come out to, no?

That said, there is nothing preventing you from starting to transition now, even if it is just mental and emotional. Have one day a week where you are Arthur (assuming your oasis username is your endgame as far as name). Bind Down the girls. Dress as a male (why so many ftms in SF seem to transition to male lumberjacks perplexes me. Grunge is over. Or is that their view of what maleness is?! Anyway, I digress...). And walk around the mall, shopping for guy clothes, doing guy things (whatever they might be), hopefully with a good friend there to support you.

But on some level, life never changes abruptly. Life starts. Every day, you can be less female and more male on different levels. Gwen will only see a female for as long as that is what she knows to see. Until she knows you are in transition, until you come out about it, then... that's all for you to explain to her.

As for being alone, I think authenticity is an attractive force. If you're not living in harmony with who you feel yourself to be, then you're not really attracting the right people in your life. Your vibe will be conflict, possibly negativity. *You* have to love and embrace who you are first. People learn how to deal with you from *you*, so a lack of friends usually means people are reading the cues you send out properly. Change the script.

I'm apparently doing this, as well (born a boy, keeping the penis, no gender anything going on...). But I used to go out to clubs and not be into it, not feel I belonged there. And recently, I just go and have fun and embracing of the present. And, lately, every time I go out, guys come up and talk to me, sometimes make out with me (to the point where people sometimes should tell us to get a room, might need to scale that down). But I'm still not happy with my body image entirely. Still want to lose weight, and all that. But for whatever reason, the energy I'm putting out there finds people who seem to care less about those things, and who are into me.

So, get a plan, and start transitioning on a daily basis. This isn't a movie, you don't go away for a year and come back completely transitioned. Just stop doing things that you feel aren't part of your energy anymore, whether that's clothes, friends, whatever. If you don't take a step toward your future today and everyday, there's no one else to blame for why it doesn't seem to be coming any closer.

You said you want to be a guy now. So... go ahead. On Oasis, post as a guy who still has a female body (unlike a female who wants to be a guy). This is a text-based website, so transition here first. But start changing the script, or else you'll be trapped on the side that gives you distress for longer than you need.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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gaynow's picture

I don't have any advice to

I don't have any advice to give besides what Jeff said (hell, I don't have much good advice of my own because I don't have too much experience with genderbending stuff...) So, I'll just say, a) you should tell Gwen, if you can, before things go too far. Not too clear what the situation is at the moment, but... don't let it get out of hand. And b) good luck, we're all rooting for you!

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

Arthur's picture

Thanks

I think I'll try that.

And thanks to both of you for the support.

------------------------------------------------------
"It's so hard to get people to understand. It's so easy to be misunderstood because the only words we have can so easily sound ridiculous."--Jamison Green, "Becoming a Visible Man"

Inkblot's picture

I second what jeff said

Be strong, and good luck.

Do I shock you darling?
-Sally Bowles, Cabaret