Over the past couple of weeks i've been questioning my sexuality. I kept trying to think about boys which made me really confused. I wasn't sure why I was doing this then yesterday I was thinking about my sexuality and I was like, "I can't possibly be gay, it's unnatural". Then I was like, holy crap, why am I thinking this, it's not true. I thought I was over this internalized homophobia completly but I guess I'm not. I've acknowleded this homophobia and now I"m telling myself that it's ok to be gay and I shouldn't preasure myself to think about boys because for me that's not what comes naturaly.
Arg, I really thought I was over this. What happened to make it come back? I used to be so proud to be gay even though I'm not out so I curently don't show it, I'm still planing on coming out at camp (my sleepaway camp, not the music camp I'm working at). Where did that pride go? I'm not ashamed to be gay, but I'm not nearly as proud and happy to be as i was a few weeks ago. Maybe it has something to do with as sleepaway camp is getting closer I'm getting nervous about coming out. I used to have this idea that I was going to come out and be proud and not care what anybody thought, now that camp is only a week and a half away I'm starting to doubt that I could do this. Maybe that's what spured on this recent bout of homophobia. I really what my pride, or at least confidence, back. How do I get it back? I've told myself that it's ok to be gay and it's helped, but I'm not back to the mindset I was once in.