internalized homophobia: I thought that was gone by now

wilma wonka's picture

Over the past couple of weeks i've been questioning my sexuality. I kept trying to think about boys which made me really confused. I wasn't sure why I was doing this then yesterday I was thinking about my sexuality and I was like, "I can't possibly be gay, it's unnatural". Then I was like, holy crap, why am I thinking this, it's not true. I thought I was over this internalized homophobia completly but I guess I'm not. I've acknowleded this homophobia and now I"m telling myself that it's ok to be gay and I shouldn't preasure myself to think about boys because for me that's not what comes naturaly.

Arg, I really thought I was over this. What happened to make it come back? I used to be so proud to be gay even though I'm not out so I curently don't show it, I'm still planing on coming out at camp (my sleepaway camp, not the music camp I'm working at). Where did that pride go? I'm not ashamed to be gay, but I'm not nearly as proud and happy to be as i was a few weeks ago. Maybe it has something to do with as sleepaway camp is getting closer I'm getting nervous about coming out. I used to have this idea that I was going to come out and be proud and not care what anybody thought, now that camp is only a week and a half away I'm starting to doubt that I could do this. Maybe that's what spured on this recent bout of homophobia. I really what my pride, or at least confidence, back. How do I get it back? I've told myself that it's ok to be gay and it's helped, but I'm not back to the mindset I was once in.

Comments

the ghost's picture

hi there

I know what you mean about getting bouts of internalized homophobia.I feel like that too sometimes.Ususally I just keep reminding myself that it is fine to be gay.I think telling a couple of my close friends has really helped me too,because they had absolutly no problem with the gay thing.Which made me more comfortable with myself.
I think I get bouts of this homphobia when I start to meet new people.I think it is because I am anxious of what they will think of me when they know.The only thing to do is keep reminding yourself that being gay is fine and surround yourself with supportive friends.Good luck.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

ACCgirl's picture

internalized homophobia

Yes, I feel like this all the time.

It's strange how you can be so comfortable with other people's gayness and not find it abnormal until it's applied directly to yourself. For myself, I'm never fully convinced that it's natural even during times of clarity where I'm like, "I'm gay. End of story."

As for coming out to the entire camp, you probably won't be able to know whether you actually want to do that until you get there and meet the people you'll be interacting with for X amount of time. I have to say though, it seems that so often the whole "I'll come out to everyone and not care what they say or think" philosophy ends up not being quite as glamourous as it first appears. Its success depends upon whether or not these people's opinions actually do end up mattering to you or not. It's easy to say that if they don't accept it, they're not worth the time, but sometimes it still feels like they are. And just because we're gay doesn't mean we're all born with ultra-thick skin and never-say-die spirit.

yesac's picture

It happens all the time, but

It happens all the time, but the more you reassure yourself you'll get comfortable. Just keep telling yourself there's nothing wrong with being gay.
Like ACC girl said, it might not glamorous at first coming out without caring.

Good luck! and I hope it goes well for you!