missing her

bulldyke's picture

god, i think i'm going insane. i know i'm getting depressed.
i'm lonely! ethan's always working, and when he's not, his fucked up parents make him stay home for no reason other than they can. taryn's either out of town or too depressed to do anything but play video games, and R...R is what's making me depressed.
well, no, that's not fair. the bipolar beast is making me depressed. her being away is my excuse. gods, i miss her. more than anything else, i want to hear her voice, see her face, hold her close to me.
i feel lost when she's not around.
when we were first trying to go out, when her mom wouldn't let us be even friends, i forced myself to not become attached to her, so that this wouldn't happen. i don't want to depend on her! i don't want to feel like half of me is missing when she's not around. i don't want to be depressed when she doesn't call for three weeks. but i do and i am.
i tried so hard to keep myself from falling in love with her, so hard, but how could i not love her? how could i not fall for her soft voice or her beautiful eyes? how could i not want to protect her and hate the fact that i can't?
i dont' want to depend on her, i really don't, not when she's not here. i want to have her with me always. and it's so wonderful to know that she wants that too, but it makes me want to scream that we can't. that she's elsewhere, that i don't even know when she's coming back.
i think i'll go mad if she's not back soon. i really do.
it wouldn't be so bad if i had something to DO. someone to spend my days with, a friend who could be there for me. but the three i depend on are occupied or unavailable.
and so i'm depressed. i don't want to be; and i'm trying to hide it, as though, if i don't tell anyone, it wont' be true. i was doing so well! so well...i had it all under control. and now, with a smile and a kiss, she's ripped all of it away from me, and i almost dont' want it back. i don't want to reprotect myself, because i know that as soon as she's back i'll regret the walls i build.
i wish there was a way to protect myself without shutting everyone out. i wish i could make a cage for my beast and lock it up so that i could just...be normal, if only for a bit.
i just want her back...is that so much to ask? i start crying every time i think of her...alone in a strange place, without a friend, without anyone to hold her or help her.
i'm sleeping way more than i should be; that's one symptom. i don't have any energy, but i'm staying up late at night. when i'm with people, or talking to them, i'm okay, but as soon as i'm alone, i sink into my mind. i have no motivation to do anything. i'd rather just sit and think than anything else, even write or blade.
my only hope is that she gets home this weekend; sunday is the last day that i'll be expecting her based on her previous estimates. but even that'll be stretching it. i'm so worried about her.
she said, a couple of weeks ago, just before she left, that she didn't think she'll be back any time soon. i don't know what i'll do if she's not back by the end of the week. probably just sink into myself and not come out.
i keep thinking of different scenarios of her return. what i'll do when she calls, what i'll do when i see her for the first time. what has she written to me these past two weeks? will she enjoy what i've written her? what will she think of my newest story; will she see that it's for her? that it's about us?
i'm sick of hoping. every night, i hope that she'll text or call me. every day i hope that ethan'll call to say that she's back. every time i go out i hope to see her walking the dogs.