I always seem to write journal entries on here at night.I am not sure why.Maybe I just like reflecting on the day once it's almost over.Jeeze I am really rambling right now.I was going to write in my own journal but I have run out of pages.So I came on here for some rambling.
I was chatting to my sister the other night on msn.We ended up talking about relationships and such.She is very happily settled down with my bro-in-law,and I am very happy for her.But then she asked me if I ever felt jealous,and honestly I do because I would love to have someone who loved me just as much as I loved them for once.I didn't tell her this though.I just said I wasn't too bothered really,i'm ok as I am at the minute.If we had of been having this conversation in person I think it would have been a good time to come out to her because I could have brought it into the conversation.She also kept asking me if I had a crush on anyone,so I lied again and said no.I couldn't really turn around and be like I totally love my boss who is hotness personified!!
But I am planning on telling her by the end of Summer.My bro-in-law has to go away for a few weeks so I usually stay over at her place for a bit when he is away.So it will give me time to talk to her about it then.I am really scared about telling her,but at the same time I want to tell her so much.It will be a huge step foward for me to do it.I am hoping she will be ok with it.I rememeber when we were younger,I was only about 14 and she used to always call me gay,and actually mean it.At the time it used to upset me so much because I hadn't accepted or dealt with it.But we have both grown up a lot since then so hopefully some maturaty will help her see that it's not a big deal.
Obviously I hope that she is ok with it,but even if she isn't I am still going to be happy I have told her and gotten it out there.
I am feeling a bit more confident about being gay though.I was stressing a lot about what my work friends would think of me.But ultimately I am feeling more assured about it.I think it is because when I was with them I kept thinking oh man what will they say when they know I'm a big homo!But know I am looking at it from the angle of how relieved am I going to be when I know one way or the other whether it is a problem for them.The thought of actually being myself and not hiding a thing just seems like it is going to be worth it.Don't get me wrong I know it might be difficult,but I am slowly getting ready to be an out gay!
It is funny how much I fly under the gaydar of the world though.I work with a guy,he is about 17,and the first time I met him I just presumed he was gay.I know it is stereotypical but he is very effiminate.He says he is straight,but it is like he is the token gay guy at work.Literally everyone refers to him as the gay guy.One of the girls said something the other day about him being gay to me and I had to laugh a little inside at her ignorance of my sexuality.But anyways yeah back to the guy,I feel really bad for him.Maybe we are all wrong but honestly it seems doubtful that we are.He is probably going through all the same shit as most people on here myself included.It is strange how people front things to pretend they are fine when we are most likily going through the same internal dilema's and panic at being gay.Maybe I am wrong,but I guess you never really know whats going on in someone's head.
I am now loseing the plot and don't even know what I am talking about.So I'll leave it there.