Strange feelings and Incubus

electricity's picture

Holy shit, 16 replies on my last journal entry! I wanted to respond to each one because I appreciate that congratulations and such, it's nice of you guys =] So now the counts up to 32, hah, dang.

I'm seeing Incubus tonight! [aka one of the best bands ever] Mom and I are seeing them in Los Angeles, and I actually think she's more excited than I am. We have all the albums and know all the songs [though she doesn't know any of the names of songs, hah] and love Brandon Boyd. I'm just waiting patiently for my polar bear t-shirt to be dry so I can wear it.

So C left for Europe the 9th, and will be gone til the 18th. It does suck a little that she had to leave the day after we initiate something, but then again, we don't have to be apart [again] wondering what the hell's going to happen and worrying about it. Now we just have something to look forward to when she gets home. Oh yes, I'm happy.

Right now I have a wierd feeling about me. Like I'm second-guessing, or being self-conscious, and in general feeling kind of stupid. [This in no way relates to being with C at all!] I've taken it up to write to C as a substitue for talking to her, so I'm using notebooks paper as a little journal-esque thing, you know? And right now it's like "Oh, should I keep it?" I don't know, I get like that. Especially with writing. Even writing stuff on here I sometimes wonder if maybe I should've kept it to myself, like it was an illegitimate thing to write. You know, that's actually how I feel, as if I'm writing for no reason, so why write at all? or something. Even now, it's like "Do I really want to write about this in my online journal?" I have the temptation to just delete it and forget about it.

I think the feeling sparked by me telling S how I told C that now we can slightly relate to the song Transatlanctism [a song about being seperated from a loved one] because we're transatlantic and S saying "That's dumb." And sometimes I've felt it after telling S and Y about C and I kissing, even though part of the fun is in telling the story!

It's a wierd feeling, and I hate having it. Because even when I've wanted to do something for somebody, like give somebody something kinda nice for no particular reason it's like "well, should I? It's a nice idea, but what if they think it's wierd?" I don't know. Do you? It leads me to believe that I have a fear of regret and that I don't want to do anything I'll regret saying/doing in the future. If that makes sense in relation to what I've mentioned before.

Maybe going to the concert will rid me of the feeling. And thinking about happy things: Yes! Incubus. Yes! C. Yes! Summer. Yes! Life.


ACCgirl's picture

self doubt

Well I, for one, am glad that you haven't second guessed yourself so much that you delete your journal entries before posting them (because I happen to really enjoy reading them). I know what you mean though; I get the same way very frequently - particularly with writing or general cleverness. It always seems like in life's race for success I'm always tripping on twigs while the people around me are hurdling fallen trees.

I think it's healthy to question/doubt yourself a little, because it's when we stop second-guessing ourselves that we sink to complacency. Doubt keeps us grounded. However, if it's inhibiting and/or weighing on you just remember that for all your self-criticisms, most of them are just silly fabrications of the raging self-critic. Sometimes you just need to slap that crtic in the face with objectivity and forget about her.

I like your entries. What you say always sounds uncannily familiar.

electricity's picture

You put the part about a

You put the part about a race for success very well. I think all teens are inevitably tripping all over themselves. If not twigs, their own shoelaces.

Yeah, a slap in the face would be good every here and there, but it does some like that critic has higher reign and that they're out-weighing every stab at getting rid of them.

I'm glad you like my entries! and I thank you. Uncannily familiar, huh? Explain, if you can. I really do appreciate that you like what I write.

5thstory's picture

Incubus, I am jealous.

Incubus, I am jealous. Transatlanticism, I have to agree, you are related; Death Cab has a song for every happy (and sad) moment of life. Personally, I believe that questioning oneself is quite healthy, it helps you to realize your pros, cons, fears, hopes and everything. In the meanwhile, count the days until C's back!

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

electricity's picture

Yes, it is normal/healthy

Yes, it is normal/healthy for one to question themselves, but sometimes it just feels overwhelming or something. But I thank you for that view on it.

Yeah, I think that's part of why Death Cab is amazing. They make everything relative to everyone, basically. Even though each song has it's own different theme. That's what makes it beautiful, though.