This is an excruciating long story. Because it's the first. I'm sorry.

s0careless's picture

Okay, so I'm new to the website and have just been browsing before I told myself I was comfortable enough to just start writing and ranting. I have a really long story that's been going on behind the scenes in my life and I just want to get it out and channel the mass confusion in my brain.

So to lay out the people I'm about to throw out there:
S - is my best friend.
B- is my exboyfriend (we dated from july 2006-april 2005; we don't really talk now. he's an asshole)
and C - is my exgirlfriend (we're more or less on a break while a lot is going on..you'll see)

I'm going to try to just go through this as easily and simply as I can, trying to make it as short and brief as possible. But it's truly complicated and drawn out and I don't want it to be that way.

January 2006 - C told me that she was gay. And I didn't really have a problem with it; she was just so concerned when she told me that I was going to hate her. About a week after that, I found out from S that C actually liked me. And I didn't really have a problem with that either. I wasn't freaked out or anything like everyone expected me to be.

At the same time, I started to hang out with B a lot. S was dating his best friend, so I kind up just got lumped into the group and paired up with him 90% of the time. I didn't care, he was a nice kid to me, probably because he liked me. But I slowly started to have an attraction to him, too.

Time went on, months droned on. C told me probably in March that she liked me, but I had already known. So from then on out, we just talked constantly. And this goes beyond daily, this is like every night, all night. About anything and everything. I can't really EXPLAIN the relationship that we had, but it was just comfort and security and we could talk about anything. We talked about her attractions and being gay and how I felt about it.

I never really knew how I felt about it.

This relationship continued to go on and grow, and at the same time, my relationship with B grew as well.

June 2006. C and I kissed for the first time. I was at her house one night because her mom was in the hospital and she needed to have someone with her. And it just kind of happened. We had talked about it before, and how I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I never really expected her to have the guts to do it. So it was a nice surprise.

However, B and I had been going on at the same time, and since she was coming out, and he was just being the straight boy he is - that grew stronger faster. So I was stuck between the two of them, except B knew nothing about C; she knew about him.

July - B and I started dated. C knew it was coming, we used to get in fights about how I should have gone out with him a long time ago, because we had "basically been going out, just needed the label." So for months and months, my relationship with C was just put on hold. We still talked all the time and everything, but I never really saw much of her anymore. We fought about stupid stuff, and I knew she was really irritated with me, and my relationship had a lot to do with that. She felt like I had forgotten about her and that I just used to for whatever reason. So above trying to keep my relationship intact, I was trying to keep (atleast) my friendship intact with her as well.

It proved to be really hard. We stopped talking multiple times. And B would get into fights with me about how I just needed to let the friendship go.

B and I used to fight all the time too, and in the end, that was our demise. It was heartbreaking, because I had put so much time and energy into the relationship (it was naive, I was sixteen/seventeen). But in that, I just had more time available. And I started to see C more. Things were fine when we were together, but then she just thought I used her. I honestly believe she hates me now more than she did when I was going out with B.

In the last three months, C and I have fought a lot. More than we used to. She found things out about B and I, and it's just gotten dirty. She's told me that I'm a lying whore. She's told me that the only reason she stood by me was because she pitied me. And I've told her she needs to get her head out of her ass. Basically we've just been oscillating between love and stay the hell out of my life.

In the past month, I've become more content with the fact that I'm bisexual. It's not so much a secret that I want to keep anymore. And I've told a handful of people, and started to talk to someone just about the situation. In that, I think that C's respected me a lot more. So not just being a fad and using her to say that I've been with a girl. So now, we're on a break where I'm just figuring a lot out about myself. And slowly, us as a relationship with stop being such a secret to the world. Okay - maybe not the world, but the people who matter.

And I think now, my biggest battle is just admitting the fact that I'm bisexual to someone other than myself and her. I really want to tell my best friend, S. And I just don't know how to do it. Because from a bistander, who knew nothing about C and I - it just looks like we have this psychotic friendship that was spiraling downhill continually. But admitting that there was something going on, it's a huge and scary step for me. I have no idea how I'm just going to lay that all on the line.

So that's my nutcase of a story. And I sound like a moral wreck, which I probably am, but I've given myself more morality lessons in the past few months than I have in the past 17 years. And basically all I have now is to figure out where to go from here. Telling my best friend. And figuring out my ..relationship..

Comments

ACCgirl's picture

Hi there

You don't sound like a moral wreck to me. A confused soul perhaps - or a human who makes mistakes, definitely, but not a moral wreck. From what you wrote, it seems like you do have an understanding of C's irritation with you. I mean, it isn't hard to see why she would be upset.

As for telling that best friend of yours, S, about your bisexuality: if you feel comfortable with her knowing, tell her. Just don't be surprised if she's already figured it out on her own. Friends are intuitive like that (especially when she already knows that C liked [likes?] you and that your relationship with her has been vicious and volatile ever since you began seeing B).

Good luck with all this.
Oh, and welcome to Oasis! :-)

wilma wonka's picture

how to come out

If you want to come out, which I think you should because she's your best friend and it seems like you need someone to talk to about this, then find a long span of time when you can talk without the threat of anyone you could ever possibly know overhearing. I don't recomend coming out in either your or your friend's house because someone might overhear. I'd recomend coming out outside in a park or someplace because then the only people who might overhear are people who you'll probably never meet again. If you come out in a place where people you know are then you have to wisper and that becomes a pain in the ass very quickly.
As for how to actualy say it, here are some suggestions:
~Tell her before hand that you have something important that you need to talk to her about, this way you can't freak out at the last minute and back out. Be carful with this, it's a double edged sword.
~Find the simplest way to tell her. For you that would probably be "I'm bi"
~Spiting it out is REALLY hard and terrifying, but a few hours latter, if the person took it well, you'll be sooooooooo glad you did it. For me, once I get over that innitial hurtle of just telling them that I"m queer, I can talk about anything else related to my sexuality with no problems at all. It just all spills out. One thing that helps me spit it out is I sing a song in my head and at some random piont that I decide at that moment I just spit out my pre-determined phrase. for you that might be "I'm bi" or "I'm bi and in a strange relationship with C". The first time I came out verbaly it was to my english teacher. She saw that I was having a lot of trouble (I had a really hard time accepting myself) and startedasking why She asked vauge question after vauge question until I figured she knew and that made it easier to spit it out.
~writing a letter: It might be easiest to write her a letter. The only two times I've had a bad reaction when I've come out have been the only two times I've come out through writing. I don't know if this is conincidence or if there's something about comingout with a letter that encourages a bad reaction. Just to be safe, if you want to write a letter, be there when she reads it, that way it will be more or less the same as saying it out loud.

There's a link on oasis at th top that is about coming out. It has lots of suggestions, try looking at that. Just remember, the first time's the hardest, it'll get easier the more times you come out. good luck. welcome to oasis. Hope you like it here. PM me if you want to talk about coming out or anything else.
"gay: cheerful and lighthearted; merry." - The American Heritage Dictionary.

my three wheeler rox's picture

...

Welcome :D
And, lets just copy and paste everything they said..
Personally I like long posts so don't feel bad. If you don't feel comfortable sayit to her you could always write her a note or email unless you don't feel like coming out to her yet. yopu should never force yourself out of the closet when you're not ready. Bad things can happen.

Don't apologize for calling me Sir

Don't point you f*%^ing finger at crazy people!

gaynow's picture

...what they said...

Hey, welcome to Oasis! ^^

Yeah, I don't have all that much to add to this discussion. What everyone said about coming out is completely right. If you want her to know and you don't have reason to believe that she'd take it really badly, then just... tell her. It feels scary as fuck, but it's a tremendous weight off your shoulders when you've finally come out.

Your relationships sound... confusing. The thing with C I get a little bit, because I had a weird friendship/relationship thing... but in mine, it turns out that for a lot of the time, she was stringing me along and using me as a spare. Which might be what C sees when she looks at you. Have you tried apologizing to C? (That's a stupid question, sorry...) I dunno, I don't have a lot of useful advice to give here. Just make sure that C understands you weren't intentionally using her. Good luck!

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

Toph's picture

What they said

Um...well I think you have pretty much a bunch of good advice given to you up there. Just remember, when you come out do it for yourself.

Welcome to Oasis!