Okay, so I'm new to the website and have just been browsing before I told myself I was comfortable enough to just start writing and ranting. I have a really long story that's been going on behind the scenes in my life and I just want to get it out and channel the mass confusion in my brain.
So to lay out the people I'm about to throw out there:
S - is my best friend.
B- is my exboyfriend (we dated from july 2006-april 2005; we don't really talk now. he's an asshole)
and C - is my exgirlfriend (we're more or less on a break while a lot is going on..you'll see)
I'm going to try to just go through this as easily and simply as I can, trying to make it as short and brief as possible. But it's truly complicated and drawn out and I don't want it to be that way.
January 2006 - C told me that she was gay. And I didn't really have a problem with it; she was just so concerned when she told me that I was going to hate her. About a week after that, I found out from S that C actually liked me. And I didn't really have a problem with that either. I wasn't freaked out or anything like everyone expected me to be.
At the same time, I started to hang out with B a lot. S was dating his best friend, so I kind up just got lumped into the group and paired up with him 90% of the time. I didn't care, he was a nice kid to me, probably because he liked me. But I slowly started to have an attraction to him, too.
Time went on, months droned on. C told me probably in March that she liked me, but I had already known. So from then on out, we just talked constantly. And this goes beyond daily, this is like every night, all night. About anything and everything. I can't really EXPLAIN the relationship that we had, but it was just comfort and security and we could talk about anything. We talked about her attractions and being gay and how I felt about it.
I never really knew how I felt about it.
This relationship continued to go on and grow, and at the same time, my relationship with B grew as well.
June 2006. C and I kissed for the first time. I was at her house one night because her mom was in the hospital and she needed to have someone with her. And it just kind of happened. We had talked about it before, and how I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I never really expected her to have the guts to do it. So it was a nice surprise.
However, B and I had been going on at the same time, and since she was coming out, and he was just being the straight boy he is - that grew stronger faster. So I was stuck between the two of them, except B knew nothing about C; she knew about him.
July - B and I started dated. C knew it was coming, we used to get in fights about how I should have gone out with him a long time ago, because we had "basically been going out, just needed the label." So for months and months, my relationship with C was just put on hold. We still talked all the time and everything, but I never really saw much of her anymore. We fought about stupid stuff, and I knew she was really irritated with me, and my relationship had a lot to do with that. She felt like I had forgotten about her and that I just used to for whatever reason. So above trying to keep my relationship intact, I was trying to keep (atleast) my friendship intact with her as well.
It proved to be really hard. We stopped talking multiple times. And B would get into fights with me about how I just needed to let the friendship go.
B and I used to fight all the time too, and in the end, that was our demise. It was heartbreaking, because I had put so much time and energy into the relationship (it was naive, I was sixteen/seventeen). But in that, I just had more time available. And I started to see C more. Things were fine when we were together, but then she just thought I used her. I honestly believe she hates me now more than she did when I was going out with B.
In the last three months, C and I have fought a lot. More than we used to. She found things out about B and I, and it's just gotten dirty. She's told me that I'm a lying whore. She's told me that the only reason she stood by me was because she pitied me. And I've told her she needs to get her head out of her ass. Basically we've just been oscillating between love and stay the hell out of my life.
In the past month, I've become more content with the fact that I'm bisexual. It's not so much a secret that I want to keep anymore. And I've told a handful of people, and started to talk to someone just about the situation. In that, I think that C's respected me a lot more. So not just being a fad and using her to say that I've been with a girl. So now, we're on a break where I'm just figuring a lot out about myself. And slowly, us as a relationship with stop being such a secret to the world. Okay - maybe not the world, but the people who matter.
And I think now, my biggest battle is just admitting the fact that I'm bisexual to someone other than myself and her. I really want to tell my best friend, S. And I just don't know how to do it. Because from a bistander, who knew nothing about C and I - it just looks like we have this psychotic friendship that was spiraling downhill continually. But admitting that there was something going on, it's a huge and scary step for me. I have no idea how I'm just going to lay that all on the line.
So that's my nutcase of a story. And I sound like a moral wreck, which I probably am, but I've given myself more morality lessons in the past few months than I have in the past 17 years. And basically all I have now is to figure out where to go from here. Telling my best friend. And figuring out my ..relationship..