I don't really know aye... maybe I'm just too tired. Things always seem better with a good night sleep, which is why maybe I shouldn't be writing this right now.
School's started for two days and I can already feel all the pressure coming back. All the work, the drama... the everything. I kind of feel I've lost the 'click' I've had with my friends too... it's like I don't fit in so well anymore. I also think I'm addicted to attention from people. Just general attention. I don't like sympathetic attention because that just makes me feel pathetic, but kind of just attention to know I'm there and breathing and existing and kind of makes a slight difference in the world. Meh I dno. I know a lot of people from school, maybe I should start to talk to them again before things fall apart. As you see, after the holidays people drift apart a little. Meh, sometimes I wish I didn't know so many people, but again like I said I'm addicted to attention, and I crave it. Grr.
I hope this is all making sense. My english might be a bit sloppy after being in Asia for so long. It's annoying, since english feels a bit weird right now. I just need to get used to it again... otherwise this just isn't me.
And I get jealous really easily, I still haven't found a boyfriend and I'm really frustrated. I see my crushes talk to girls and I get jealous. Really jealous. I try not to be but I can't help it. It's kind of the attention thing... Then I feel low... but I think of something else and cheer myself up and move on. I get annoyed from these kind of stuff that just keeps going through my mind. Maybe I think too much sometimes... maybe that's why I'm writing this to get some of it down. Argh, I'm too much of a perfectionist... reflecting on everything.
Sometimes when nothing happens I just feel low for some reason. It feels like life isn't so fascinating anymore. I still do the same things, go out a lot in weekends, and work my butt off for better grades... but something seems to be missing. It feels like I need something to live for. Or something or someone I can think about that makes me smile. Or someone I can confide to without feeling like a burden. I don't usually talk stuff like this. I stay constantly happy on the outside. I help others. I avoid my own emotional talk. I try to be a strong person.
I like sleeping because it kind of shuts everything away. I don't really think I'm depressed though... well I hope I'm not. I've changed my way of thinking a while ago, I haven't been depressed for months. Yes I am sad and angry at times but I get over it quickly. I try to be optimistic about things and always be cheerful on the outside. I don't know... maybe I'm being too unrealistic. Maybe I NEED to feel depressed. Maybe I NEED to cry. Meh. Whatever. I know this sounds confusing.
And yeah... a really popular and talented sports player in our school committed suicide. Our school had a service for him today... it was really depressing. People cried and said all sorts of things. It surprises me how someone so perfect from the outside suddenly did something like this. If I'm to learn something from this maybe it's that never be TOO strong. It's okay to feel sad and reach out for help. I don't know. I wonder what people would say at my funeral...