a bunch of random stuff

wilma wonka's picture

This is going to be yet another of my extreemly long journal entries that covers a million topics. Each topic will get its own paragraph so feel free to skip around and not read the whole thing.

A few days ago I watched Loving Annabelle. It was amazing. The person who played Annabelle is sooooo hot. I felt like I had to hide the fact that I was watching a lesbian movie from my parents. I don't know why I find it so difficult to be open with them, I came out to them 10ish months ago. I know why I feel uncomfortable talking about it with my dad (he tenses up whenever I do and he's generaly insensitive about it) but my mom has always been fine about it; so why do I still feel like I have to hide it from her?

We took my brother to college on Thursday. My parents are kinda freaked out. I'm fairly close to my brother but he hasn't been around much latly, he was usualy sleeping or out with his friends, so it doesn't feel very different for me now that he's living 90 minutes away.

I've been thinking about coming out at school. Yesterday I went to this party that was supposed to be so that we could meet all of the new 9th graders (at my school the grade doubles in size in 9th grade). Since I was out at camp I had almost forgotten how much it feels like you're hiding when people don't know about your sexuality. My school is EXTREEMLY accepting, there are already some people who are out as bi. Nobody treated them differently after they came out. I'm just not sure I'm ready to come out at school. I'm not sure I want to live as a homosexual. That would mean admiting to myself that I really am gay and that's something part of me is still kinda uncomfortable doing. I don't know if any of this makes any sense, I hope it does. This wasn't a problem at camp because I'm only at camp for 1 month every year so I can just walk away from the gay identity and stay away from it for 11 months. But my entire life centers around school. All of the friends I see on a regular basis are from school and I do so much extra-curricular stuff that I spend almost all of my time at school. So coming out at school means being completly open with myself all of the time.

I was IMing a friend today and I told her that I was thinking about coming out at school. She said that most of the people who were at the school for middle school probably already had a hunch. She said that some boys in our grade were talking about how I wasn't intrested in boys. I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE OUTED. If I come out I want to do it on my own terms, when/where/how I want to. It really freaked me out. Maybe I'll tell people that I had a boyfriend at camp. That would very quickly put an end to the speculations and make it harder to come out if/when I wanted to. I've always just pretended that "I'm not intrested in boys yet" but I guess by highschool people assume that if you're not intrested in the opposite sex then you probably aren't straight. My friend said she heard people talking in the middle of last year so hopfuly people will have forgotten and this won't be a problem next year. Still I think if people were getting clued in last year it's even more likly to happen next year. The fact that some of my friends who already know keep sliping and mentioning it in public can't help much either. It's only happened twice but I'll have to remind them to not let it happen again.

that's all for now.