back to basics, i suppose....

johnathan's picture

this is sorta like my 'about me' introduction thingie, lol, so i'm gonna tell you a little about myself. i'm 26 (almost 27 :*X). i'm african-american with black hair that turns red in the winter; a gift from my irish grandfather. i love emo music! and i'm pretty alternative, although, now that i think about it, the picture i put up is the one i'm always complaining makes me look preppy... go figure. i'm a reader, and a wannabe-writer. I have an unhealthy obsession with all of the spice girls (yes, even ten years later). i can - and will - talk your ear off about harry potter. i have not yet been to college (see: wannabe writer). i'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy that i don't think i appreciate nearly enough. i have a deep-seeded need to learn everything i can about computers. i'm a TOTAL geek... i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE science fiction/fantasy/manga/yaoi/anime... and i'm not ashamed to admit it :P. and everything else i'm sure you'll learn in time...

so, i titled this 'back to basics...' because the last couple of years i've changed into an almost unrecognizable person. why do i say this? well, let's take a look at the last ten years (briefly, i promise)... age 16: if you went back to 1996, you'd more than likely find me playing a computer game, reading, writing, or something of the sort; normally working on my computer and posting journals on Oasis (yes, i was around in the early days). age 21: i'm still the same, pretty much. working is the only addition to the schedule. age 26: well, i moved to nashville at the age of 22 and this began what i tend to refer to as 'the change'.... i started dating a guy i wasn't really in love with, continued dating said guy for almost 3 years, until HE broke up with me.... looking back on it now, it was probably the closet thing to a regret that i have, but if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't have met my current boyfriend so i'm thankful... in a way. i started going out to clubs, bars, etc: i developed a social life. i've made friends with some awesome people.... so, i'm wondering... why am i so much more depressed now than i ever was back then? i keep thinking that maybe i was equally, if not more, depressed back then and it just doesn't seem that severe in hindsight. you know what i mean? i mean, i was really sad, lol. i would cry all the time and create all sorts of fantasy lives... but it all sounds so comforting when i face the reality of being a 26 year old unemployed writer (wannabe)... hmm... this is quickly becoming a jumble of thoughts and trying to sort them out is proving to be frustrating.

i think the point of what i'm trying to say is: i want to get some of that 16 year old back. i know i can't go back to that time and place; i'm not that delusional (and i'm not even sure if i'd want to, to be honest), but i do miss the way i was. i've never out-grown video games, or reading or much else that i used to do back then, but it's just getting harder to get find the time. i'm on a quest, however nerdy that sounds, to find at least a small part of the kid who was perfectly happy sitting under a tree with a good fantasy novel. i miss him more than i ever thought i would and i feel him slipping away everyday that i'm a 'grown-up'... i wanna find him, hang with him for a while... maybe he could teach me a few things... maybe he could show me how to take it back to the basics...

Comments

Toph's picture

Welcome back! Aw, I kinda

Welcome back! Aw, I kinda get what you mean. I'm 18 and already I miss the good ol' days. College starts in a few days, and I have to start being an adult! Anyway, find that kid in you. Go back to college even. Um, I can't really say much since you are older than me and I haven't really experienced much of life, but I'm here to read your journal.

johnathan's picture

thank you!

that comment really made my day! thanks for readin my jumble of confusion, lol. i really appreciate it and the reply:D

jeff's picture

welcome back...

There is only the present. If you live in the past (regret), you aren't in the present. If you live in the future (worry), you aren't in the present. And, if you aren't living in the present, then today is just another day you're adding to the pile of future regret.

What do you want to do? How do you want your life to change? What are you doing today to make them happen?

Get the Heather Small song, Proud: "What have you done today to make you feel proud?"

Live it like a mantra.

Every day you don't push forward into life, you're doing something you'll regret later. Wannabe writer? What does that have to do with college? If you have a computer (check), and you have Microsoft Word or even Open Office (free), then start writing. Write a paragraph.

Life is cumulative, so you are still that 16 year old, with a decade of other choices you made stacked on top. Discard the stuff that isn't moving you forward, and you'll be closer.

Just stop playing the past/future game, because then you lose.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

ForeverEndedToday's picture

Maybe start going through

Maybe start going through all the stuff that you used to write here on Oasis or any other things that you've kept over the years to remind yourself of who you used to be. It brings back all the memories and emotions that will help you find your 16 year old self. Plus, it's always cool to see the stuff you wrote as a kindergartener and a writer in the making :-)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I travel 'round the block
And I'm not looking to my right
I feel the glass against my cheek
And I can't see you in the light
I break my heart around this

the ghost's picture

Hey

I'm not sure I have any really useful advice.Maybe just pin-point the things,if you can,that are making you unhappy and work from there with trying to change them.I wish you luck=]

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

Klebkatt's picture

XD New friend!

Okay, first, I was looking up lyrics for "One More Murder" by Better than Ezra and found you your poem, which is awesome.

And you like anime/manga/yaoi? Yay! Have you been to MTAC? It's an anime convention that's hosted in Nashville every year and I've been for the past three years. And what about Yaoi Con? It'd be nice to try and be on the same plane with someone I could talk to than cramped in the middle seat between the book reading lady and the guy playing Saduku with his wife.

Anyway, I'm up on LiveJournal as Klebkatt or you can head over to GreatestJournal and look me up by the same penname. I think you and I could be really good friends based on the intrests and hobbies you list. ^^