I post too much, too often...

ReinbowGrl's picture

I have figured out why I care so much all of a sudden about my fingernails. The little kids at my work, think I'm amazing because I paint my nails random colors. With sparkles or multiple colors. It's a pretty cool group of kids...I work at the YMCA. Where they promote "Strong Christian Values." I could giggle everytime I see that sign. It cracks me up. Because here I am, the outproud lesbian with the rainbow clothes and jewlery, who actually got kicked out of a church once, works at Christian Fitness head quarters. And I'm not the only one either. There's this guy, one of the life guards (I'm a swim teacher) who set my gaydar off the second I saw his bright blue hair. It's pretty amusing. He asks my oppinion on guys when I walk by. And so far, nobody seems to notice or wonder when Kelsea (my we've-been-through-so-much type almost sister) or I hold up a certain amount of fingers that has NOTHING to do with our jobs. We've got signals. There's this kid in one of Kelsea's class who's literally a crack baby. Those were kid grandmother's words, not ours. And his mom is 19 maybe, at the oldest. And mmhmm...I like when she brings him to class. :)
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I think there's some kind of unwritten rule about life guards having to be extreamly attractive to work at my work. Because there's only like...2 out of...10 maybe who aren't pretty to look at. Work is fun for me. Eye Candy. MMM Good. Haha. I'm not as bad as Kelsea. She oogles the guards. OBVIOUSLY too. And they can all tell. Where as, they just think I'm adorable and friendly. Which works for me. I came out to one of the guards, we'll call him...Jamie, because his real name doesn't fit him in my mind. He asked if Kelsea batted both sides and I said no. And he's kind of a jerk but funny...in a cute way. So he says that he bats both sides, but only because he plays baseball. I tell him that I do too. Play baseball and bat both sides. All the time. He looked confused for about 10 seconds and then just laughs at me as I walk away. It's kinda weird. I'm not very confident when I'm fully clothed, but I'm so used to basically living in my swim suit that I'm more confident half naked than clothed. It's weird. But good.
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Basically, my family sucks. Last night, I was the only one who spoke during dinner. In a desperate attempt for us to look more like a family than a bunch of strangers. Tonight, who starts the conversation again? Me. And it's not like I even actually like (forget love) 1/2 of my parental unit. And he treats her the same way he does me. And I never noticed it until a few months back. The only difference is that he used to hit me and if he layed a hand on her, she'd shoot his ass. Which would be amusing, but will never happen. We don't speak during dinner. And forget any other time because unless it's a comercial and he's not reading, he'll ignore you. It makes me sad, but only because I feel bad for my mom. I had to finally talk to her to get any kind of communication going. My family is like the poster family for group therapy. Because damn, we need it. I've been in therapy a few times and EVERY time, the counselor beings up family couseling. But NOOOOO, it would never cross my parents minds that my "issues" as my father puts it stem from...hmmm...lets see...HIM. Nothing to do with the physical and emotion abuse that's been going on since I was...old enough to remember. If somebody moves too fast, I flinch. I can't stand to be touched by people who I'm not very very comfortable with. I mean, COME ON. I didn't pick up those things at school. Yeah, sure, I've got it better than a million kids. I have two parents who've been together for almost 33 years, we own our house, I've never gone hungry, they didn't kick me out when I came out (I was 13) and I've got everything I need. But that doesn't mean that it isn't hell on Earth everyday. And still, I want kids. Just so I can be a better parent than he was. Even if I was a single parent, I would be better than that. Good parents aren't functioning alcoholics that beat their kids for no reason. I used to wish, when I was little and they would fight, that they would divorce. Because then I could go live with my mom and never have to see him. Alright, I'm done bitching about how dysfunctional my family is.
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Swim practice starts Monday. At 8 in the morning. Good Lord, this will be interesting. And then I have lifeguard cualification class. And then maybe I'll go to work. Busy Busy Busy.
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I want to call him names. To his face.