i think we sorta just broke up

bulldyke's picture

only not really. arg, this is confusing!

okay, if anyone read my last, insanely long journal entry, i was a bit worried about R, and where things stand with us. so, i texted her, nad she called, and we talked.

well, mostly she talked. which was okay. i can't talk anyways, just write. so, mostly what it boils down to is this:

we're taking a step back, to rebuild our relationship from the ground up. so for now, we're not going out, we're not girlfriends, we're friends. but with the potential for so much more.

it's so amazing listening to her talk to me. she's so kind, so gentle. it's going to be hard, at first, to not have any romantic physical contact, or any physical contact at all, really, but i know that it's for the best.

i want to be her friend, her best friend, so much. i want us to last as a couple for forever. it's just hard to keep a cool, distant head when she tells me that she's been attracted to me/in love with me since we first met, three years ago.

i love her so much for just breaking up with me. it's not the ultimate act of love, but for us, it's high up there. i know that it's infinately hard for her to hold herself back, and that she wouldn't be so afraid of hurting me if she didn't love me so much.

i feel sorta strange. so happy, and yet a bit sad, too. i still want to just lie with her and hold her in my arms, but we can't, not right now. i understand that, even though it's not much fun in the short run.

so now i just have to make one apology to her, which i'm totally stressing over cause i'm horrible at apologies, and then we start affresh. well, not totally. i mean, how many best friends do you know who are so totally in love with eachother that they're willing to give eachother up to stay together? cause that's what we're doing. staying apart so that we can remian closer.

god, i love this girl. more than i ever thought possible. she makes me feel things i've never felt before, and i never want to lose her. i wish so much that i could promise her forever, but i won't take that chance. not yet.

the kinda ironic part is that i was talking to Ethan just before she called last night, and for some reason he'd said something about what he thought it'd be like when she and i broke up. he said that it'd be with a hug and a kiss,and i said no, that it'd be as best friends. and that prediction sorta came true! i mean, it's not like we're perminantly broken up; we both really want to get back together again, but for now, we're just friends.

it just struck me that this seems like a very lesbian sorta thing to do. i'm not sure why, but that description sorta fits. you know, being in love with your best friend and all. only, it's more than that. i dunno. i'm crazy in love. i wish i could tell her that, but she knows. she knows just like i know that she'd give anything to be sitting with me right now, laughing and joking and fooling around.

okay, that's probably the happiest break up story i've ever heard. it feels like i'm living in a fairy tale, almost. it's like, this sorta thing doesn't happen in the real world. but it does. it is.

"This kind of love has to be a verb."

Comments

ForeverEndedToday's picture

I'm glad you guys are still

I'm glad you guys are still friends. I think it's probably going to be tough on not only you but her, so maybe you won't have to wait as long as you think. Good luck with everything!
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I travel 'round the block
And I'm not looking to my right
I feel the glass against my cheek
And I can't see you in the light
I break my heart around this

s0careless's picture

I agree with

I agree with ForeverEndedToday. It's really good and reassuring that the two of you are still friends. My ex-girlfriend and I recently decided that we needed to just get out of our relationship to salvage the friendship that we fought so hard for. And it's better that way, even if it doesn't seem that way. Sometimes you just need to look at the big picture and find out what will be beneficial in the long run. And who knows what can happen later. (At least, that's what I tell myself...)

But good luck and good faith.