Is it that overwhelming feeling you get when you like someone. When you think you would do anything for them. When they occupy your every thought and feeling. When the thought of them with another makes you gag. When their importance seems to supersede that of your grades, your family, or your life.
Or is it simpler. Is it just friendship with a twist. When your best friend is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. When you see her as a part of your family even though she isn’t. When you like nothing more than to talk to her about anything. When you want her despite every part of you saying that it isn’t right, but can forget that in a moment of laughter. Can remain friends because you know they’re happier that way and you don’t want to risk anything. You can laugh at the guys and girls they attract, and even sleep with, as long as you know its not serious, that they don’t really love them.
I met her on the first day of student orientation at boarding school. I remember we sat next to each other on the bus because there were no other seats, and we’ve been friends ever since. We stayed friends through both of us becoming depressed and self destructive. Then she left school and things changed a bit, but not really. I encouraged this decision even though it killed me to see her leave. I wanted her to be happy.
I had crushes, loves, and even girlfriends through the time I’ve known her, and she has had likewise. We often gossip about the people we like, as girls will do. There's never been any boundery questions.
Of course she knows naught about the dreams I’ve had, about her gasping in passion. About holding her nights. About wanting her.
We’re thinking about moving in together. I think this may be a bad idea, but I want that so badly. The problem is I want it differently. I want it with us sharing a bedroom. With the possibility of children. I want that so badly. And the thing is, I can see it working. I can see there being a possibility of that happening. But only if she likes me, and I can’t know that. I can never know that because I would have to ask and I don’t want to risk what we have. But at the same time, I think I’m dying a little bit inside as I convince myself I can never have her.