Nothingness

ReinbowGrl's picture

She hurts and I can't fix it. And it kills me. I think this is how I truly know that I'm not the same person I was when I could hurt her without a second thought. I wish I could hold her and make things better. What makes it worse is that I want so bad for her to be happy, but it's her girlfriend that's making her upset. I think this means that I might finally become what she wants me to be, her friend. Because she's not ready to trust me yet. And I respect that, but I wish she didn't hurt. I don't know if I can be there for her in this. Because if her gf knew how things were between us, it would ruin everything for her and I can't do that. I want her happy so badly that I'd do anything. Including dissapear. In other news, I am even more confused than ever about how I feel. Am I gay? Bi? Straight with a thing for girls? What? I came out when I was 13. Told everybody I was bi. Most days, I think Im a lesbian. I've dated guys, nothing serious ever. And I'm not sure how I feel about my ex right now. I'm confused. I need to do laps. Endless yards in the pool. Past the burning lungs and the aching arms and legs. Past the hurt. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.