okay, R's back, and I'm so happy, even though my head is all twisted in knots. i'm feeling really insecure, and i feel like i'm getting sorta mixed messages.
i'm pretty sure that things are going okay between us. everything that's happened except for one says that we're good.
we were texting last night, which was so wonderful cause she's the only one i like to text with and it's been two months, and flirting, and it was great. we and a couple other people went out to a movie (which, i'm sorry to say, i found quite boring and predictable, but whatever. it had a gay pirate captain, and i got to sit next to R for two hours, so who cares?), and like i said, we sat next to eachother, and i'm surprised no one else could see the current running between us.
we weren't touching (cept once), and it might've seemed to a stranger that we were being really cold to eachother, but we weren't. it's the most amazing thing to hear her breathe.
anyway, so that went well. even though i had to talk to the Dragon Lady for a bit, and things were really tense between me and R. it was so much fun.
okay, fast forward a bit. actually, hop back for a second. before the movie, she gave me the first part of her journal thingy, and i gave her both notebooks of mine. which was totally cool. i'm so happy that she wrote to me!!!
okay, now we can fast forward. after the movie, i came home and plopped down on my couch and read everything she'd given me. Which only covers the first 30 days or so that she was in Utah. But whatever. so that was really cool, and really emotional. but in a good way.
so, a few hours later, i'm sitting at my desk, writing to her, when my blessed phone goes off with her ring! i thought i was having a heart attack. it's been so long...or at least, it seems that way. and fyi, her ring is this really jolly, happy, dancy type tune that i love. anyway.
so, she texts me, and i text her back, and we have a bit of a conversation. at first i couldn't figure out why she was taking so long to respond to everything i said, and then she told me that she was reading my journal. yeep! another heart attack. i mean, yeah, i wrote it all to her, but it's sorta surreal that she's actually reading it. it's like i never quite grasped the concept.
so, we flirted a little bit, which was wonderful, and then she asked me if i'd read her journal, and i said yes, and she asked me what i thought. and since i'd already written half a dozen pages on the subject, i boiled it down to 'i love you', and a couple other words. cause that's how i felt about it.
she didn't reply. didn't reply. didn't reply. i sent another text, asking if she was still awake. no reply. i sent 'hello?'. nothing. it got late, and i figured she must've gone to bed, but i'm worried.
i'm not expecting to hear anything from her until tonight, but i sent her a text asking her to tell me when she's done with my journal.
i'm...i'm not sure what i am. worried, yes, but...not like i was before she got home; before i saw her. i'm not tying myself in knots over it; i figure that she's got a good reason for not replying. i just want to hear from her. i wish i knew what was going through her head. i wish i could talk to her, instead of trying to interpret everything from a few, soulsearching glances.
it's so frustrating! i love being with her; i bask in her presence, but not knowing how she feels, what she's thinking of me is so frustrating. i mean, i can guess, from how she looks at me, and the way she won't look at me, or touch me, but...the thing with the 'i love you' is bothering me. i don't think she's having second thoughts, but i do want to know what's going on. maybe it's nothing. maybe she just fell asleep, or something. i don't know.
anyway, yeah. life is good right now. i've been writing to her almost constantly, trying to get all of this out. once again i feel like i have this brilliant, bright white light glowing from my heart. it's a great feeling.