Waiting...

bulldyke's picture

waiting sucks. not knowing when she'll be home sucks. not knowing if she is home and simply can't call me sucks. it all just sucks.

i called her cellphone on sunday and left a message, asking her to call me when she can, but i doubt she'll call on that phone. no, she'll wait til she can dump money into her prepaid cell, then either text or call. i think. i don't even know if she's home, or if she got the message yet.

the phone did ring, which makes me think that it's on, but who knows! maybe she hasn't had a chance to call/text without her mom knowing yet, or maybe she's not even home. i don't know. i don't know...

waiting sucks. i hate not knowing when to expect her to call. i know she'll call. or text. but when? i'll be lying on my couch, reading, and i'll just start imagining what it'll be like when my phone goes off with her ring. will my heart beat faster? will my mouth go dry? will i feel that jolt in my stomach, the same as i felt when i heard her voicemail message?

i haven't heard the sound of her voice in two months, other than the recording. i haven't seen her face, her smile, except in a couple grainy pictures i took on my cellphone. i haven't smelled her hair, or felt her skin. two months...and two days since i last saw her. 58 days of lonelyness. 138 pages, handwritten, in my tiny, cramped handwriting. i've written to her every day, just like i promised.

waiting sucks. every day is a suspence: will today be the day? i check my phone constantly, and keep it charging whenever i'm in my room.

i can't wait until she calls, even if it's bad knews. i'm terrified that something will go wrong; that she's staying away even longer.

waiting sucks.