What if....

the ghost's picture

I have been thinking a lot lately about what if's...What if I had never met certain people,done certain things.Where would I be right now.Not really in a negative I have so many regrets type of way.More in the I wonder what would have happened,out of curiosty type of way I think.

I have been thinking a lot about my sexuality in these what if type scenarios.I remember when I found out what gay/lesbian meant.I was 8 years old and my best friend at the time explained,as best an 8 year old can, what it meant.I actually remember thinking about it for several days and wondering if I was gay because I knew I thought certain girls were just beautiful,and something about this having a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend thing appealed to me.(I know I was young but yeah I did wonder).But I was only a kid and I forgot about it for the moment.

It wasn't until I was about 13 that I started to think about this again,and wonder if maybe I was gay.I knew all my friends were crushing on boys,but I wasn't.It is here my what if scenario comes in...what if my friend hadn't told me at that time what gay was,would I have started to think about this as a 13 year old?Would I have realised then that I might be queer?

Well at that point I did my best to bury my feelings as best I could so I'll fast foward,about 6 years,to meeting my friend Sarah(not her real name).I have mentioned her way back in my journals.I think she is queer too.I haven't come out to her,she hasn't to me.It is sort of this thing we don't say directly but we talk about queer stuff pretty much like it is just assumed we know each other is gay.Well meeting her made me start to dig up all the feelings I had buried.She introduced me to a lot queerish shows,and stuff I didn't know about.Again comes my what if...what if I never met her?When would I start to have acknowledged my sexuality.

Shortly after this I found out one of my cousin's is gay.There was no major crisis or uproar everyone pretty much carried on as normal.When he came out it was the first time I ever actually thought it would be possible at some point to tell my family I'm gay.Which brings in the next what if..what if he had never come out..where would I be?Still trying to straighten myself out so my family would still love me?

The next major event in my gay timeline,is the unexpected arrival of a boy infatuated with me(as vain as it sounds thats what happened).For the first time since I had started really acknowledging my feelings for women,I was asked out by the sweetest guy.I was freaked out,I was scared,I had a fairly good idea what I was,but I said yes.I started dating him.I felt terrible,I felt trapped and I felt scared.But it kick started me to reach out somewhere for some help in all my confusion.Which led me here to Oasis.As dramatic as it may sound this place was the big turnaround for me.Finally I found other people like myself,and I have come a heck of a long way since then!This now leads me to a what if I hadn't started dating him..would I have ever found this place?

There are probably a million more what if scenarios that I could mention.But right now they are the main one's in my little gay timeline that I can think of.Probably if they hadn't happened other stuff would have probably triggered a similar outcome.Who knows?I am actually relatively happy at the moment.I know I bitch here a lot.But things are actually a lot better than they have been in a long time.So yeah this is getting way to waffley.I'm done with my what if's for the moment..

Comments

Lol-taire's picture

I think lots of 'turning

I think lots of 'turning points' are only significant because of what's already bubbling beneath the surface. Important emotional issues find an out let and the out let it finds can be relatively interchangable. Like the reassurance about your family provided by their reaction (or lack thereof) to your cousin's coming out, could have been alternatively provided by something as stupid as someone's reaction to a tv show or a throw away comment about an aquaintance.

Like if I hadn't watched Ellen (lol at me) on paramount comedy channel when I was 9 and mum was in hospital with complications to her pregnancy with my brother- I'm pretty sure the concept of homosexuality would have presented itself elsewhere.

But yes, I do wonder about various choices (already) and the difference they would have made to how I am today. I think everyone does.