Fucking best friends...

bulldyke's picture

I'm fighting with Ethan, and the gods only know why. I think that we're both feeling like we're not being heard/respected by the other, but I'll be damned if I know for sure.

It's really pissing me off, too. He's acting like I'm not hurting at all, and in response, I said some really nasty things. My parting shot in our e-mail conversation was "If I'm such a lousy friend who's never there for you, why don't you just fuck off and find someone else?"

I'm still really hurt/pissed at him, and I'm only sorta regretting what I said. Yeah, I've been a bit of a bitch, but he's complaining that I was never there for him to talk to and all this stuff, and I'm like "You never fucking told me that you were hurting!" Yeah, I knew that he was hurting over something, but it's like pulling teeth to get it out of him, and damn it, I was trying not to sink into a fucking depression! So I'm sorry if I wasn't there for him 24/7, but I was trying to take care of myself!

Fuck. I dunno. Part of me just wants things to go back to how they were, but I also really want to just yell at him. To just let out all of this hurt, and stop pretending that I'm fucking superwoman. I'm not. I have feelings, and damn it, it hurts when he won't talk to me. It hurts when he won't or can't trust me.

Things are so screwed up right now, what with R being so confusing, and T and I reconnecting. So when he tried to act like nothing was wrong on Friday morning, I just snapped. I just walked away. I didn't want to deal with his crap any more. I can barely deal with my own; how the hell am I supposed to support him too?

I feel bad for letting him down. I wish I could just call him and cry on his shoulder a bit. But I won't...can't do that yet.

Gods, I'm sick over this. I came home on Friday and threw up. I nearly punched a guy in 6th on friday for calling me a bitch. Usually I just roll with it, but I was seriously on my feet, fist balled up, before I caught myself. Fuck me, but I hate fights with my best friends!

The angry part of me; the part that won't apologize, just wants to laugh in his face and say: "You wanted to see me angry? You wanted to know what I'm like when I'm really fucking pissed off, and fired up? Come and get it."

I'm angry all the time, now. I thought that it was bad when R was away...this is like, ten times worse. I snap at everyone.

Please, please don't post a little comment that says "Don't lose a friend over words; just apologize and move on." It's been said. The friend who said it has been yelled at. I don't apologize easily. Hell, I think I've made about two apologies in the last four months. Ironicly, they've both been in the last week.

Ugh. I feel like shit over this. I wish I could just shrug it off and say that I don't care, but I can't, and I do. I wish it were easy to deal with being hurt, but it's not. I wish I could be diplomatic and fair and nice and caring, but I'm hurting, and I'm sick of being there for everyone else. Just once, I'd like someone to actually be there for me.

Comments

ReinbowGrl's picture

I'm not going to tell you

I'm not going to tell you that words blah blah blah. BUT I may have a suggestion as to getting heard. You didn't say how exactly you were fighting, whether it was face to face or what. So my suggestion, is that you both take time to cool off, a day or however long it may take and then sit down seperatly and write how exactly how you feel. Try to avoid the "I hate when you..." Try "when you do blah blah, I feel..." type statements. So there's not any blame being passed around. Explain that you've felt angry and that you're sorry that you're not there for him, but you can't handle everything...As for punching people, it might make you feel better for the moment, but if you break bones in your hand, you won't be happy. I hope this helps a little. Good luck.

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