I am so tired but I have decided to make a journal entry before going to bed to get some of the stuff out that has been keeping me awake the past few nights.Maybe if I write it down before I go to bed it will mean it's out of my head a little to let me sleep.Basically I am trying to cleanse myself of my own madness.
I keep having these crazy panics that just seem to keep getting bigger and bigger.Last night I was awake for four hours lying in bed completely stressed out,to the point I got a really bad headache and I thought I was going to be sick.Honestly it is the prospect of coming out and how to deal with it that is making me feel stressed.It seems that it is all I can think about lately.It is something I have to do soon because I can't keep dealing with side-stepping awkward questions and generally avoiding telling the truth.
But once I am out what do I do then?I know I have mentioned joining the glbt society at college and stuff,but what if that doesn't work out.I have a million what if's that scare me.On top of that I feel really stressed out because I know a guy at work has a bit of a crush on me.He is a great guy to have as a friend and I really like him in that sense but nothing else.I feel guilty that he likes me.I also worry that people will start to think I am really stuck up because I keep avoiding nights out.I don't want to go through the motions of pretending to be someone I'm not.But I'm also struggleing to be who I am.
I feel like I am in this tiny little box figuring out who I am but it feels like I can't breath.I guess thats why its called the closet.
The thing is I know that being gay isnt a big deal I just can't seem to deal with the coming out or staying in any more.This journal hasn't helped,I still feel sick.