I feel sick

the ghost's picture

I am so tired but I have decided to make a journal entry before going to bed to get some of the stuff out that has been keeping me awake the past few nights.Maybe if I write it down before I go to bed it will mean it's out of my head a little to let me sleep.Basically I am trying to cleanse myself of my own madness.

I keep having these crazy panics that just seem to keep getting bigger and bigger.Last night I was awake for four hours lying in bed completely stressed out,to the point I got a really bad headache and I thought I was going to be sick.Honestly it is the prospect of coming out and how to deal with it that is making me feel stressed.It seems that it is all I can think about lately.It is something I have to do soon because I can't keep dealing with side-stepping awkward questions and generally avoiding telling the truth.

But once I am out what do I do then?I know I have mentioned joining the glbt society at college and stuff,but what if that doesn't work out.I have a million what if's that scare me.On top of that I feel really stressed out because I know a guy at work has a bit of a crush on me.He is a great guy to have as a friend and I really like him in that sense but nothing else.I feel guilty that he likes me.I also worry that people will start to think I am really stuck up because I keep avoiding nights out.I don't want to go through the motions of pretending to be someone I'm not.But I'm also struggleing to be who I am.
I feel like I am in this tiny little box figuring out who I am but it feels like I can't breath.I guess thats why its called the closet.
The thing is I know that being gay isnt a big deal I just can't seem to deal with the coming out or staying in any more.This journal hasn't helped,I still feel sick.


Lol-taire's picture

Oh god honey, being gay is

Oh god honey, being gay is big deal. Just because it's not all tea and sympathy these days and other people don't mind that you're gay, doesn't mean it's easy to actually have to be gay yourself.

The thing is everyone knows you're gay. Or at least once you come out they'll all claim they always knew you were gay. They're asking you awkward questions because they know.
The problem is with you, which doesn't make it any less of a problem but does mean you know where you have to look for the answers.

I was lucky I suppose that I'm bad at keeping secrets, so the presure to come out built up for me a lot faster and when I did it the first time it was because I was despairing and not being rational. Once I'd told this girl (who god bless her was in my class at school but who I barely even knew) the knot of tension in my back losened. I hadn't even realised it was there, but I'd been carrying around all that stress for years. And you've been carrying around the same stress for even longer, so no wonder you phyically can't stand it.

You shouldn't feel guilty about the guy at work either, he's not proposing marriage and you're not leading him on.

I really, really know how you feel. I'm out, but in words not in actions, and I'm much too frightened to actually go out and find myself a girlfriend. But it's reaching tipping point and I can't sustain this much longer- so something is going to give soon. You can't sustain being in the closet any longer, because even your body won't let you.

And if you did go to the glbt society at college what's the worst thing that could actually happen? The absolute worst outcome? and is it any worse than feeling the way you do at the moment indefinately?
Because the older you get the worse it will be to come out, because you'll have lived a lie too long. The lie will just get to be a bigger and bigger part of who you are.

Good luck!