So I had a dream last night after a semi-random girl who I'd call a 'friend' called me up! I never would've thought ANYTHING unique about her since she's pretty average in every single way, no offense to her; and I've heard her label herself as such 3+ times. Anyway, when she called I immediately thought:
A) Is she a lesbian and trying to come out to me/ask about my sexuality?
B) Is this a prank?
C) She thinks I'm a suicidal gay boy because I made a joke about slit wrists in the class we share together on Friday?
D) Her parents are dead?
Well it is sort of unfortunate that none of the above turned out to be correct. Because then I wouldn't have been in WTF mode on the phone with her. Still, she said she called just to see how I was doing and then got onto the subject of movies, and I joked about seeing one with her and then I was all:
E) SHE IS CALLING TO ARRANGE A DATE WITH ME?
Shit. Then she sooooort of laughed with the joke and I pulled a subject change and tried to get some gossip out of her just for the sake of it; and then she started talking about people in classes, and then she said that MY CRUSH HAD ASKED ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So at this point, my mind wanders back to option B) Is this a prank?
Then I ask what he was asking about, she says he was looking for me. I'm only gay in confidence of one person at my school who would only have told her mother or a very distant but very close friend of hers. So while I can be agonizingly obviously gay, I still don't want to be 'out' just yet and so I didn't try to ask much more about my crush.
Ok so to get to the heart of it, it was one of the top 3 most awkward phone conversations I've ever had. And I mean phone convos in terms of talking on the phone for over 10 minutes. We talked for a bit after but at that time I didn't feel bad about trying to cut it short since I was still wondering WHY she had called in the first place. Immediately after, I felt bad about being insensitive; especially since I've actually called up someone like she did, semi-randomly just because I felt so sad or inordinately happy. She didn't seem either, but I still wish I had asked: Do you have anything you want to tell me? Just for the sake of it.
Well we'll see what happens there. But the title of this entry is teardrop and dream related because after I fell into Dreamland that night... I dreamt about being in the school library sitting next to my crush who was on the computer. He was looking lovely as ever, the unpleasant feature which I 'discovered' and mentioned in my last entry was hidden by luscious lips. Anyway, he was doing something on a PC and I was on a chair and talking and asking him questions and he kept not answering, and I put my hand on his arm and he looked at me disdainfully and however the mind works in Dreamland; I clicked at that point that in this dream, we were or are boyfriends. So, I keep trying to talk and he is just giving short answers and then stops and asks me to leave and I get up and my foot gets stuck/twisted in one of the metal chair legs and I sort of stumble and look back at him and he is just staring at the computer screen and typing.
I woke up very shortly after and I wasn't quite CRYING, I did have teardrops going on though. Recalling it makes me sniffly and sad inside because I felt so rejected in the dream and I could just tell from whatever my subconscious had made up; I had found love with my crush and he wanted to break it off and I felt young and stupid and completely crushed and moronic for asking him questions when I should've just done something ELSE instead of getting rejected or broken up with.
It honestly has made me feel sad about wanting to ask him something come Monday, ala 'I heard you were looking for me, saaaaay you want to catch a movie this weekend?' which I would've done a lot more easily before the aforementioned girl's calling and this terrible dream. I shouldn't be so afraid of rejection, but that horrible dream look I got from him and feeling ignored like that was really really bad. I can already tell that I NEED to ask him about what's up between us and if he's gay or SOMETHING though, otherwise this semester/year will be me just thinking of him a lot and being distracted.
I stopped doing a lot of homework I should really be back to because my mind kept returning to this. I hate it in a lot of ways but feel some inner glee at being a near normal teenager in this respect of lovesickness/rejection. I pretty much just want to kiss my crush right now and tell him I love him, because I really feel like that's what it is, even though it makes me feel even sillier since my definition of love must be pretty weak to just want to say it like that. I really want to know what the hell is going on in his head and kiss another gay boy and just be capable of focusing on my grades and just plowing through this year and heading off to university and semi-reinventing myself for the best. But even with THAT in mind (the fact that I probably won't see any of these people ever again, maybe a dozen at most) I seemingly can't bring myself to say to my crush: I have feelings for you.
And then there is always that part of me that feels disgust at expressing these emotions. Well, that was my second ever random phone call from anyone and my third teardrop-laced dream in memory... the last one I had was when I was ten and had a nightmare that I had shrunk and was forgotten and almost killed with everything I tried to do to indicate to my family that I was still alive. I wonder how many other teenagers go through this emotional insanity over one or more persons who don't even realize what they're causing.