the nausea of an outing

the ghost's picture

I've just come-out to my cousin.She has been my bestest best friend since before we could even walk or talk.I think this made telling her more difficult than either of the two people I have told before.I decided this week that I was just going to tell her.I couldn't keep contemplating it.So I text her yesterday and arranged to meet for dinner because there was something I needed to talk to her about.I did that so I would have to tell her,because I knew she would want to know what that something was.

So we met at the restaurant this evening,and at first we had some of the usual conversation of what we had both been doing recently.I felt so anxious and uneasy and after about ten minutes she brought up the "something" I had told her I needed to talk about.So I made my first attempt at telling her,but the words wouldn't come out.I felt sick and like I was going to cry,and she just looked so concerned.She thought maybe I was really sick or something and I told her that it wasn't anything like that.So I made a few more attempts but I just couldn't say it.So she started guessing at what it could be and it was none of the things she had listed.So I took a minute to try and calm down,I really didn't want to start crying in the middle of the place.Both our phone's were on the table so I picked my phone up and text her.Basically I just said I know this seems really awkward but the thing is I'm gay.So she picked her phone up and read it.She stared at it for a couple of seconds and then she looked at me and said ok thats fine.Then she asked if I was ok.I said no I still thought I was going to be sick.So we talked about it a little then.I still felt like I couldn't talk about it properly because I kept feeling like I was going to cry.I asked her if she already knew.She said she didn't,it wasn't something that had crossed her mind.She just presumed I was shy,but never really gave it much thought.To be honest I think she is more comfortable with it than I am.We talked about some other stuff and then kind of kept coming back to it.I am happy she took it so well.I knew she wasn't going to reject me but I thought she was going to need time to take it in.I wish I had of talked more about it and opened up a little more but I just couldn't.Now she knows though I think I will get around to talking more about it to her.
I'm not really sure how I feel right now.It feels sort of different but also the same that she knows.
I think telling her has made being gay more of a reality for me.If that makes any sense I'm not sure if it does.Anyways I'm going to end it there.


apuffalogic's picture

Oh, yeah

I know what you're talking about; it makes sense.

Good of you to tell her.
"Politely rude. Briskly vague. Firmly uninformative"

-Ruby-'s picture


am so
{this moment was a huge stepping-stone in ur life. it must have been a lot of pressure. be proud of yourself. the fact that u initiated this whole thing, and that u didn't burst into tears or puke all over the place, shows what a strong person u are. (even if u would have cried/puked, u are still strong as ever). it sounds like it went exceptionally smoothly. i am smiling for you :o) }

jeff's picture


That's coming out, though (reluctant as it may be); outing is when your sexual orientation is revealed against your will.


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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gaynow's picture


That's fantastic! I am so proud of you!!! Seriously, that is so amazing. It takes so much guts to do what you did, and you did it. That's seriously amazing, and you should be very proud of yourself. Congratulations!

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

Y - GuRl's picture


Wow that is really awesome! It's such a scary step to take but you did it :] Coming out to her seemed like a major thing to you and it's really great that you found the guts to do it.. I'm sure you guys will be able to talk about it more later on, and I think when you reach that comfort level of being able to chat about it casually.. things seem less surreal and much easier.

pomegranate's picture


I know how hard it must have been, and what you did took so much courage, so good for you! Your'e brave. Reading this was inspiring to me. Good for you! By the way, have you joined your university's glbt alliance? I recently joined mine, and it was pretty awesome, better than I expected. I think we're going thru a lot of the same things so we should start messaging eachother again, don't you think? Anywayz, this has been a long reply.
Good luck with everything! :0)