Last night I finally came out to my best friend of three years, after putting it off for about a year. It was extremely hard, and honestly, I didn't think it would come until farther down the road. I just felt like I was holding everything back. Not only did I have to explain the whole identity struggle with me being bi, I had to explain my relationship (or past relationship...) with one of our mutual friends, who we've known was gay for about 2 years now.
I was shaking. And just having her scream, "OH MY FUCKING GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS", in my ear every time I said something knew - I just don't know. It's that bittersweet feeling, I guess. Like it's great to have the weight of lying off of my shoulders, but at the same time she's just so unclear. She doesn't handle these things well, or it just plays out to seem that way.
And I think the only real thing that is throwing me off is when she said that she felt like she didn't even know me. Like I understand, because this just changes a lot regarding what's happened in the past - but I like to think that I'm still the same person. I've just always wanted this to be something that was just another part of my personality, equivalent to me being funny or easygoing. And it just feels like another obstacleeee that I have to prove myself over and over again that I'm still this person who I say I am.
I mean, I've changed, I know I have. And it's inevitable because things such as these are going to make you realize new things everyday and that causes change. But I'm still the same person at heart. The same things still bother me, make me happy, make me sad - I'm just bi. I am just so afraid to lose her. She is my best friend and she is the one person I have a real connection with. I only put it off for so long because I didn't know MYSELF. And when our friend told us she was gay, my friend FREAKED because she had this notion that I was gay too and would just comment on how much she would hate it. What are you supposed to say to that? It's hard enough looking for yourself and trying to come to terms with this is WHO I AM and coming to grips that maybe I can just be okay with that - much less having to throw myself in a lion's den to someone else.
I just want us to be okay. I just want to realize that I'm not that much different, I've just been having this mind fuck for a year that she doesn't know about. But now she does. And I just want her there with me.