the ghost's picture

Today I kept thinking about what it would be like to be straight.Which basically means I spent my day wishing to be straight,to the point where I found myself considering pushing all gay feelings aside and just dating guys just to feel normal.I do of course realise that that would be a horrible thing to do,which in the long term scheme of things I probably couldn't go through with.But for a few minutes it seemed like a good idea.

I'm not sure where these thoughts have come from all of a sudden.I used to think like this a lot a couple of years ago when I thought admiting I am gay to anyone would be the end of the world.But I know that is not the case now,I know that I shouldn't be ashamed.I have come-out to a few friends,hung out a little at a gaybar and enjoyed it.I thought I was getting somewhere.I thought I was dealing,I thought I was starting to open up to myself.I thought I was ready to be happy and live a little as myself.But now I'm back here and I don't know why.

I just don't want to be gay.I can fight it all I want and I can run away from it all I like,but it is still going to be here,and I am still going to have to deal with it.I know that.I know there is no point in thinking about what ifs,they will not change how things are.So the only thing to do with it is deal with it.But I am not sure how.

I have good friends who happily want to help me out of the closet and see me happy.But I find myself resenting them a little bit because I just want to be like them.They are wonderful open minded people who are happy to have a gay friend.It doesn't really change anything for them or mean anything really.But for me it still is the end of the world and I don't know how to try and deal with it anymore.


Lol-taire's picture

You've got to get yourself a

You've got to get yourself a girlfriend. If that sounds intrusive- well it's only what my mother told me I need to do. And she's right (even if it was a cringey conversation- there's supportive and then there's just... horrible). Anyway it's easier said than done, isn't it?

I think that lots of the people on here who feel most positive about being gay as an identity are the ones who live with the most homophobia. In order for them to be gay and out they have to fight, they have to defend themselves and it gives them an indentity separate from the mainstream and a place within a community. Of course the sacrifice for them is often their family, their old friends, their religion and just day to day misery, so they have to get it in to their heads that being gay is an indentity worth fighting for.

With us (well me definately- but probably you as well) being gay just seems to offer us a watered down version of what we could have if we were straight. And that's difficult to live with because our friends are straight and they seem happier than us. Trust me I really, really understand what you mean.

The thing is- political baggage asside- being gay just means you want to have relationships with girls. Although being gay brings it's own problems, right now one of the biggest problems for me is just the celibacy; you can't come to terms with your sexuality until you actually act on it. Or else you'll never know why you put up with all the angst in the first place.

-Ruby-'s picture

it's okay...

i'm not saying you're right or wrong, i'm just letting you know that i feel very similar. my whole love/hate relationship with my sexual orientation has been pretty cyclical, and it's kind of confusing. before i was out, i absolutely HATED the fact that i had so many feelings for girls/women... i felt that it made me seriously gross and weird, and i just hoped it would go away. eventually, it became clear that it was not going to go away. when i came out to my friends/family i identified as bi then gay, had gay/bi friends, went to gay parties, flirted with girls, made out with girls, slept with girls, dated girls... and fell in total can't-eat-can't-sleep-butterflies-in-tummy-all-consuming-crazy-insane LOVE. it was mainly good and fun and magical for a while, like everything i had only dreamed about was coming true. but after getting my heart broken by 3 girls, i have now lost my ability to feel anything for girls. i still find certain girls attractive, but in terms of any sort of passionate/romantic lesbian feelings, i don't have those anymore. that's what being involved in fucked-up relationships over and over again has done to me... totally skewed my emotions and made me really afraid of girls, kind of angry and resentful to lesbians, unable to trust them, and kind of grossed out by them. i know people say that if you ever want the chance to love again, you have to open your heart and let people in, because love is always a risk that you may get hurt. it's just not a risk i'm willing to take anymore, because depression has numbed me into a closed-off shell so i can protect myself and make sure that i never get hurt again. sad, huh? of course, i also have a lot of anxiety, really low self esteem, and other emotional problems which i am in therapy for... so i'm not assuming that you are anywhere near as fucked-up as i am, you are probably a very together girl. but what lol-taire said above, about how if you start dating a girl you might feel more validated and confident about your sexuality... well based on everything i've been thru, i really advise against that. see, that's what i thought at first too, when i first came out and was really shaky and not-totally-secure about my sexuality. when i started dating girls, it was so much fun, so exciting, and the sex was so amazing, that i started to feel really happy and proud to be a lesbian. i felt that being gay made me special... like being part of this amazing secret club and i was lucky to be there. but then after getting rejected by those who i loved and trusted... i felt really shitty about myself and my sexuality. the problem was that i had rushed into it... and although it felt good at the time, when everything came crashing down around me the aftermath was totally not worth it at all. i just want to warn you so you hopefully never have the same pain that i got myself into from being so clueless and careless and impulsive. i've made a lot of bad mistakes in my life, but rushing into this was the worst mistake i ever made. don't be like me- don't rush into anything. think everything thru. you have the whole rest of your life to be gay and get involved with girls... but you know, the only person who could ever possibly love you unconditionally is YOU. so you need to work on your relationship with yourself before you even consider letting someone into your heart. dating someone just because they're cute/hot/fun, you're curious about sex, you're lonely/insecure/in need of reassurance... those are the WRONG reasons to date someone. i learned that the hard way... hopefully you won't have to!
{^^ sorry this was so long, like totally my life-story, ha.}
~xoxo & good luck, hun... keep smiling : )