I am JT

underage_thinker's picture

Uggh. That pretty much sums up my life. Or my lack of one. I have realized that the reason I don't hang out with people much out of school isn't that I lack the social skills to do so, but that I just don't want to. I get overwhelmed by over-socialization e.g. not getting home until 9:30 and having to talk to other people the entire fucking time. Also, I went to the Music Man auditions. It was.... Interesting. We had to sing a solo song, learn a dance, learn a song, and do a cold reading. It took 4 1/2 hours. It was after college awareness day, which ended at 12:15. We got a 45 minute lunch break (in which I sat on a bench with some other people twiddling my thumbs). The we went inside the theater and were talked at for a while. I was okay, not exceptional. At least I wasn't as horrible as some other people there. They posted the callbacks, and I didn't get it. The only freshman who got called back was the choir teacher's daughter. Well, there are a lot of people who didn't get called back but will get a part as a townsperson or something. I don't really care.
I felt something weird last night. I was writing in my journal thing for English, and I wrote about how all of my Halloween costumes were always male. I was Superman, Zorro, Captain Hook, a lion, and some sort of blue Pokemon. When I was little, one of my goals was to be a gay man. I don't know why, I just did. I know I definitely don't want to be a guy, but I hate being a girl. I'm just not either..... Kinda. The idea is really strange to me right now, and I'm probably going to regret ever saying it, but when I pulled my hair back and put on that button-up shirt, it just felt right. Al of today, I was thinking about why people conform to the ideas of gender that society has placed upon them. I never really did, except in the 6th and 7th grades, when I tried and failed miserably. Last night, looking at my reflection in the mirror, I sang myself a show-like tune. It was how I hated being Jessica and I didn't want to be Jason, but JT was okay. JT wasn't a name or a title, just who I was. It was kind of cool. I'm just really confused right now, because nothing seems right and everything seems foreign.

Comments

Dreaming_Nevermore's picture

Welcome to the world of the

Welcome to the world of the genderfucked, JT. Harder when you like your own name, and it's girly, but it's yours, and you don't have any genderneutral nicknames that you like.

All they can tell you is what they have seen and heard, in their time in this world, a third of it spent in sleep and dreaming, another third of it spent in telling lies. - Ursala K. Le Guin

Y - GuRl's picture

fucking with gender is okay!

I like your avatar, it reminds me of pacman's enemies.