Uggh. That pretty much sums up my life. Or my lack of one. I have realized that the reason I don't hang out with people much out of school isn't that I lack the social skills to do so, but that I just don't want to. I get overwhelmed by over-socialization e.g. not getting home until 9:30 and having to talk to other people the entire fucking time. Also, I went to the Music Man auditions. It was.... Interesting. We had to sing a solo song, learn a dance, learn a song, and do a cold reading. It took 4 1/2 hours. It was after college awareness day, which ended at 12:15. We got a 45 minute lunch break (in which I sat on a bench with some other people twiddling my thumbs). The we went inside the theater and were talked at for a while. I was okay, not exceptional. At least I wasn't as horrible as some other people there. They posted the callbacks, and I didn't get it. The only freshman who got called back was the choir teacher's daughter. Well, there are a lot of people who didn't get called back but will get a part as a townsperson or something. I don't really care.
I felt something weird last night. I was writing in my journal thing for English, and I wrote about how all of my Halloween costumes were always male. I was Superman, Zorro, Captain Hook, a lion, and some sort of blue Pokemon. When I was little, one of my goals was to be a gay man. I don't know why, I just did. I know I definitely don't want to be a guy, but I hate being a girl. I'm just not either..... Kinda. The idea is really strange to me right now, and I'm probably going to regret ever saying it, but when I pulled my hair back and put on that button-up shirt, it just felt right. Al of today, I was thinking about why people conform to the ideas of gender that society has placed upon them. I never really did, except in the 6th and 7th grades, when I tried and failed miserably. Last night, looking at my reflection in the mirror, I sang myself a show-like tune. It was how I hated being Jessica and I didn't want to be Jason, but JT was okay. JT wasn't a name or a title, just who I was. It was kind of cool. I'm just really confused right now, because nothing seems right and everything seems foreign.