October 2007 is a long way from my last entry. I've moved to London, from Ohio. I'm going to school as a boy, which was beyond my wildest dreams last time i posted here.
I'm settling into city life and international school better than I thought I would. School has all sorts of characters. The first person I made friends with was Robert, from France, who gets free lunch at a cafe near school because they think he looks like harry potter. He's got the social skills of a time bomb. 2/3 of the time he is an asshole, which just makes it that much easier to make friends… He always wants to sit next to me and programmed his number into my phone.
I've acquired an odd group of friends. None of them are like my old friends (aka not English/science geeks and writers), which sucks most of the time, but it's still interesting. Michael, (from Greece) and I have developed a bizarre relationship. We have absolutely nothing in common besides art and football, but he really, really like me. He introduces me to his friends, "Haa! I love this kid!" *headlock* and we hang out and play football. I almost feel like his younger brother (although he's only 2 or three inches taller than me). I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. My other friends are Ali and Maxine (a duo that remind me of Julia--my best friend, and I. I've had a crush on Julia for the last four years) Julian (Lebanese and super gay), Eric (surly Taiwanese) and Sarah (feminist biologist).
My biggest fear is that being so far away from Julia will make me cease being captivating to her, to all my friends. Sometimes I just want to shout at her and tell her she’s not as observant as she thinks she is--that I love her and it hurts when i realize our relationship is getting more intimate because we miss each other so much. But she only likes real boys. I don't think little transboys count. I'm shorter than her. I can count the number of couples I've ever seen where the boy is shorter than the girl on one hand.
It’s bizarre how much our relationship is like dating. We have to talk almost every day. I send her presents in the mail. When she’s sad she sends me emails about how she misses me, and how there isn’t anyone else who understands her the way I do.
We seem to be an odd mix between siblings and lovers. When I left, she gave me two small note cards. They contained a handwritten quote from Ender’s Game, at the part where Ender finally leaves the room at the end of the world, and Valentine and Ender walk through the mirror together. It ends with, “He only knew that wherever he went in this world, Valentine was with him.”
I don’t know what to do. I think I overuse that phrase. On one of these days, I feel that I will be perilously close to replying to one of her distressed emails with an email that says, “It’s going to be okay. I love you.” Unfortunately no matter how much I like her, or however close we are doesn’t have an iota of effect on ever ending up together. I think on some degree I’m crazy, because adolescents are supposed to be able to pick up and drop affections like hats. There is no reason I shouldn’t be able to let this go, after say, a year even. Maybe I’m going about it the wrong way. I don't think we have a typical friendship. I'm not sure one is supposed to work.