Short "short story"... any comments?

Kamelian's picture

Thanks for your comments.

*this entry has been deleted*


underdarkness's picture

Because of the tense it's in

Because of the tense it's in it may work better as a poem than a short story

- One Nation, Under Darkness, with liberty and justice for white, heterosexual, rich, Christian men

apuffalogic's picture


I find that present tense can work better if it's in the first person. It's interesting that you tried it like that, but I'm not really sure it's the best way to do it, in a story at least.

That particular tense is good for trapping movement, for making you feel like you're there, and you can't miss what's going on. If you don't want to lose that, then perhaps you should try it in the first person? But perhaps viewing through the eyes of the girl would change the structure too much.

Maybe introduce a minor character to see for you, make a few vague self-references to remind the reader he/she's there; but that she's only observing. *Shrugs* Could be a terrible idea, but that's probably what I'd do.

"Politely rude. Briskly vague. Firmly uninformative"

ReinbowGrl's picture

I like it. I have no

I like it. I have no critism. I would only like you to continue on the path/ thought you orginally started down. I'd like to see where it ends up if you chose to continue...
- - -
Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask about your weekend.
- I had a GREAT time with...them.
Yay, now they don't think you're queer, just a slut!

-Ruby-'s picture


good job, sweetie.
i like stories that are sensual, emotional, and a little erotic (much like myself. *teehee*)...
please feel free to continue the story and/or create more writing to share with us : )
p.s. "smoking kills... but at least you look cool".

Kamelian's picture

Thank you!

Thanks for your comments :) I don’t usually write in the present tense, but I think it lends the immediacy that I wanted for that story, which is why I chose it.

Underdarkness: To be honest, I don’t usually have the patience to re-write things (once is more than enough haha), so I doubt it will find its way into a poem, though it may work better that way, you’re right.

Apuffalogic: yeah, I know what you mean. I did consider writing it through the eyes of one of them, but essentially I wanted to keep it sort of “unbiased”, so to speak, with a balanced view - neither having too much influence on the story, and with each one’s thoughts included. I think if it was written in the (either) first person, the other’s thoughts could only be guessed at… Incidentally, I never really noticed that the present tense is not usually used in the third person in stories…. interesting point! And with a third character, I understand what you’re suggesting, but I wanted to stress the intimacy between the 2 characters. Sounds like it could work well in another situation though… I may try something else with that idea another time if I feel up to it!!

ReinbowGrl & Ruby: Thank you. What direction do you think it’s heading, just out of curiosity? Writing it, I thought of it as being a single independent type story, but it could be linked to other ones (sort of a series of little stories, say)… if I write any other similar stuff, I’ll stick it up and you can see what you think, if you like :) Interesting that you both mention continuing the story… with this one I was trying to make it more or less self-contained. I actually always steered away from writing/reading short stories in the past, cos it annoyed me that so often there was no real conclusion (things just always seemed to be left hanging, and the reader left wondering), but yes, my opinion on inconclusive conclusions has changed slightly as I’ve gotten older – sometimes I think it’s good to have to think about what happens/happened rather than have it all laid out before you.
And Ruby - “smoking kills… but at least you look cool”??! Nice one. And here am I trying not to encourage bad habits among the young! Lol ;)

Thanks again for the comments – I appreciate hearing (ok, reading!) what you all think. I don’t usually show anyone stuff that I write, so I was a little hesitant to put this up…. But curiousity got the better of me – as usual – and I wanted to see what people thought.