Call me a weak dip-head, but I've been talking to Gwen. Yeah, I set up rules and told her what I'll tolerate and what I won't and so on, and things have been going pretty well........well.... well.
So the real story is that she came over this past Sunday and we were at my house alone together just hanging out and all and writing a story back and forth. (The most stoopid-bizarre thing ever is to have a character who is dating the character of your ex...yeah, we're a couple of messed up individuals...) All of a sudden she gets up off the couch and flops down next to me and gives me a hug. I'm like "What the hey?" "I've really missed you." She says. Now this is a really whack thing to say, since we dated about...oh, three years ago and she's had like three other people that she fawned over for EVER. So this was a tad outta the blue for me. She's been sorta nostalgic lately, like saying songs remind her of me and all, but it was still sorta eh? O.o
But, no, the fun don't stop there my friends! At this point she hugs me again and kisses me on the cheek. Okay, I know some people might do that, gesture of friendship or whatever, but we DON'T. Add to that the fact that despite her flaws, I still like Gwen a lot. I mean a lot. So I just sorta try to nicely say, "Don't do that." She pulls a bit of innocence and asks, "Do what?" And what it comes down to is I REALLY don't know how the next few seconds unfolded, but somehow she ended up kissing me and I was kissing her back and it may have lasted 10 seconds, but it felt like forever, and still not long enough and now I'm going crazy and I don't know what this means cause I don't think she would do anything along the lines of hooking up/going out and when I asked her what it meant and if we were just going back to the way it was before like just friends and she just SHRUGGED!!!!
-sigh- Okay. This is the deal. I like her. I was in love with her once. I don't know if I am now, and I don't think I want to be since last time sucked eggs when it was over. I might be, but I wouldn't admit it to myself if I was. I don't really care how this goes, if we stay friends, I'm good with that. If it ends up more, I'm /great/ with that. But I want to know, without shoving her off the deep end. I sorta freaked out after the whole thing (Whatta way to kill the moment, Arty!!) and I don't want to push her away by bringing it up every day for the next week. At one point I was sitting there and she'd told me that she did it because I "didn't have the courage to." Does that symbolise an open invitation??? If I try it this weekend, am I gonna get a kick in the proverbial balls?! Would she laugh at me? Scorn me?
I asked her once if her goal was to drive me completely insane. I think she said yes.
And this girl is succeeding.