Earlier this year I hit a wave of depression that was just crippling. On a couple of instances during this time I thought about killing myself and on one occasion was prepared to do so. I think the one thing that kept me from doing it wasn't really my family or friends but instead was the kids I work with. Many of them saw me as a role model and I think I filled the male role for some of the children that didn't have a dad. I didn't want to leave them thinking that suicide was a possible escape from their problems. We had a staff member die in a car crash last year and the effect was devestating on the children, I couldn't bear to put them through that again.
Over the last couple months and more importantly the last couple weeks I started looking inward to find why I was so unhappy. Eventually I realized that I wasn't fitting the social norm anymore and that I was having homosexual feelings. This had actually been going on long beforehand but I would put it to the back of my mind and blame it on things like puberty or being confused. Well now I've finally come to terms with it and instead of denying it, I've decided to embrace it. I figure I teeter somewhere between being gay and bi but putting a label on it doesn't matter to me anymore because this is just me and who I am. But it was just amazing, Last night when I was lying in bed thinking about it I just felt this negativity wash away. "I'm gay", I just said to no one in particular, "I'm gay" and it was weird because it was like finding the missing piece of a puzzle and everything seemed clearer all of a sudden. I can say for the first time in months I am legitimately happy, actually happy.
Last night I changed my orientation display on myspace and I got to say it feels good. Now I'm going to start talking to people I care about and feeling them out to find a good moment to tell them. I guess that's going to be the hard part but it will be easier now that I'm finally secure with myself.