I'm getting really upset...=[

msquared's picture

Oh boy. Boys. Why can't they all be perfect like I am? XD Well, it'd at least be nice if they could be civil and considerate like I. So this boy I've been ogling...the one with the facebook profile that says he's straight but gives off major gay vibes and flirts with me like crazy crazy...he's not being nice. He's not being nice at all. We're stuck in a facebook romance at the moment, so excuse me if this journal entry sounds very pathetic and nerdy.

On Wednesday, I wrote on his wall and told him to call me ASAP to talk about something (my feelings, obviously; I didn't call him because he never technically gave me his number and I'd feel like a cheat doing so). He deleted my comment. I don't know what he was trying to communicate there, but obviously he knew what was up. Yesterday, he changed his "looking for" field to include "a relationship." It still says that he's interested in women right above it, but I don't believe that for a second. So was he trying to communicate that he's looking for a relationship with a man or a woman? Or both? I totally flipped out. How confusing can one guy BE? I'm seriously taking into consideration the possibility that this guy is just trying to screw with my head. Because really, if he were sincere, he would have called by now. I even sent him an honest, down to earth message telling him that he's driving me nuts and I'd really appreciate it if he'd give me some kind of feedback, even if it were just "I don't know." And still nothing.

I'm entertaining thoughts that he's just playing hard to get and this is all going to work out in the end, but I'm afraid I'm much too pessimistic to embrace the concept. Playing hard to get is one thing, but ignoring me for three days after I heavily implied that I like him is quite another. We call that "being a bastard" around here. I want so badly just to shake this whole thing off and scream to whoever is listening that I'm my own damn person and I don't give a fuck about what pranks some snot-nosed punk is pulling, but I can't. I like him so much. More than any other guy I've had feelings for. All I can do is sit around and be miserable until he throws some attention my way. It all sounds so pathetic; I'm ashamed of myself. I am a lion among kittens, and I let one stupid boy convince me that I'm just a sorry lump of cat food. You know what? I'm not playing this game anymore. If he wants to be a lonely bastard, I'll let him. I've got better things to do than to sit around and mope. I'm a world-changer, a trailblazer, a raging foundation-shaker. I may not be able to control his heart, but I can control mine, and I can control much more. It just took one silly boy to make me realize this. Amen!

I'm not bipolar, I swear! XD


jeff's picture


You can control your heart? Do tell...

Over time, and once you're in a slightly older world where finding openly gay people is boring, the ups and downs don't disappear, they just shift into new territories. But, eventually, you need the lows, you need the bad dates, the messed up guys, the non-reciprocal love, because otherwise you won't appreciate the peaks, the hills, and when everything is going right.

A roller coaster without hills a train ride, and there's never a long wait for the train ride, because it just goes in a circle and is ultimately boring.

Just like when you find a boy that does reciprocate, that does do everything right, if that relationship goes bad, you will hurt by that loss. And that hurt is an amazingly good thing, because how hurt you are is how open you made yourself to them, and that's a lot of power to give someone. The secret is to be able to open yourself up after you know how much damage they can do.

Of course, as an artist, pain and loss and frustration have another name: material.


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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Uncertain's picture

That made so much sense

That made so much sense jeff.. I've been tryin to tell myself that after my break up.

As for mssquared, you sound like a really nice person! Well, we can never really control who we like.. sometimes when you really like someone you think they like you back but it might just be wishful thinking.

But really even if he's gay I don't think he deserves you. He sounds kind of arrogant.. and too self-centered. Self-centered people are not the best boyfriends, ever. I just went through something like that.. you'll like them so so much but everything will be about what they want to do and it'll be like talking to a brick wall if you feel bad because of somethin they did. You will think everything will work out but they won't change.. and the frustration WILL cut you up. That's really what I think, from personal experience.

5thstory's picture

I totally understand what

I totally understand what you're going through. Crushes inevitably become evil beings, and they like to play with us. Really. Mine has been playing with me for about a year now, it's awful. I really wish you a lot of luck with that guy, and I certainly expect you get him to stop torturing you sooner than later. Ciao.

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

Disney's picture


Sincere hug from me to you, that sounds terrible :(
Now, how Facebook/online-active is your crush? It seems that he knows what's up, but realistically there are a lot of people who just glance or scan Facebook/MSN and don't put much into it, or people who reserve it for a part of the day when they have nothing else to do. Unlikely that your crush is in that state of mind from how you're feeling about the situation, but there's an optimistic fault for him!

You should just call him up right now and talk to him - if he hangs up, you know to just end it (he'll probably come loping around for you in a few weeks/months if that happens), if you talk... then hurrah. If only you talk, well at least you've absolutely clearly expressed yourself, and he will have to respond at some point.

If you want something to take your mind off of him, try a Christmas List! And I don't mean the movie, yuck. :)

You're Amazing.