Hello to everyone out there. I've been on Oasis for oh, a good year now and I haven't posted very much. I want to change that now so I've decided to post my story on here for you to read. I've been keeping a journal since grade 9-ish (gr 11 now) and I'm going to start from there and copy exactly what I wrote. It's going to be uncomfortable and embarassing at some parts but I think it might help me or someone else to read it all. So here goes nothing.
October 27, 2005
I now know what depression is like. For the last 2 days I have sunk into a new level of shit. This is becaus Mr Britt (Note: science teacher) called mum again and I got into a whole crapload of trouble. Did you know that you could get suspended for not doing some of your homework? Anyway I have felt horrible. Not just your run-of-the-mill crap but more like a double chocolate crap cake with tear glaze and hatred sprinkles. I felt so bad that I actually cried at lunch in the D.H. room (Note: the developmentally handicapped room. We could go help out at lunch) and then quickly evacuated to the bathroom stall to compose myself for another round of torture. But, funnily enough, there was a dress-down day and I felt renewed, energetic and unique again (Note: there was a uniform)! I actually talked during english and I thik that I made friends with Matt (name removed) and Scott (name removed). Cool, but awkward because they bicker like a pair of bitches. TTYL (talk to you later), Carolyn.
Sorry about all of the swearing. It gets better over time, I think. The next one skips a few months to my "Gay Day".
January 20, 2006
Hi, I've discovered something about myself. Really I have "known" for a while but not accepted it until a little while ago. I'm bisexual. Even as I write this I am thinking Oh SHIT! over and over. As if I don't have other things to work out. Another think to conceal! At least for a while. Oh ya, I told Sam + Kayleigh that I'm depressed and now Sam seems to recouling from me + going to Courtney more + more. I just really hope that she didn't tell her mom. She's done that before + was told to stay away from Erica. The fucking idiot! (Karen) (Note: Sam's mom)! I'd have thought that she would know that people need their friends during hard times + need unconditional acceptance if they are going to say anything to anyone! I mean, she does work with kids! She's the reason that I don't tell things + probably leads to more stress and that leads to seriously fucked brains! Oh and I found out that mum's dad was "abusive". Wow am I screwed! seriously screwed up from all of this and going to Ann Marie (Note: therapist) doesn't help. Truthfully, right now I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I have nothing left to write. Bye. Carolyn
Well that was a doosie! I think I've got a bit more time so I'll write one more out.
January 22, 2006
I haven't got much to report, yesterday was good and today wasn't. I got mad at B (Note:little brother) and his arrogance + threw a plastic bottle at him. Mum got mad and, as usual, I couldn't calm down, got frustrated, cried and got sad. I know it sounds stupid but this is what always happens. This is when I think of suicide. Well, I'm over it now (1 hr later) and going to sleep after my night-time ritual (read my book). Bye! TTYL! Carolyn
P.S- Lovely Timmy (Note: my guinea pig) is very relaxing to be near. Cute too.
P.S.S.- Right now I just want "someone" (Note: then-crush, Michael) to hold me and comfort me. Tell me that everything's gonna be OK. That's it. Carolyn
Ok. That's all for now. I'll post again tomorrow if I can. Bye now.