No more.

msquared's picture

I am officially done with that boy. Yesterday I saw him at school and tried to get an answer out of him, but he just fed me a bullshit excuse about not being around for why he was ignoring me. I asked him to call me that night, and for whatever stupid reason I believed he would. I finally realized he wasn't going to when I was crying to a silent phone at 11 at night.

I went to bed, tired and defeated down to the core. I decided I was going to confront him today in the hall and try to get an answer out of him. I was in bed for not even a minute before I got back out. "No, no, this isn't right..." I thought. I finally acknowledged in that moment that things were not going to work out. I was making a mistake by waiting yet another day, and I was doing nothing but hurting myself over a guy who doesn't even deserve my love.

I walked downstairs. It was time for me to send him one more message. This message wasn't a plea like my last several were--this one was a firm and resolute decree: this is over. And I did something that surprised me--I kept on writing. I wrote that I knew he was hurting; I wrote that I would help him. When I came out, I had no one. Sure, my friends supported me, but not nearly enough. We were freshmen; we were young. No one had ever even met a gay person, yet alone had advice to give one. I don't want him to go through the same thing. With his incredibly erratic behavior, I'm extremely worried about him. I just hope he has the common sense to reach out and take what I have offered.

As I hit the send button, I began to cry. The tears blurred the white glow of the screen, and as I walked up the stairs, my jaw began to tighten, and my chin began to quiver. I walked in my room and fell atop the bed; the pillow hid the sobs erupting from my chapped, brittle lips. My weeping was great and heaving, like I was choking on the bones of a once mighty beast. My lungs shook like the foundation a toppling house. And I thought such beautiful thoughts.

"You are a beautiful creature, Matt--one of the most beautiful creatures this world has ever known. Don't you ever, ever forget that. You are beautiful in your laughing and in your crying, in your singing and in your silence. You are stronger than steel; you are stronger than stars. But most of all, you are alone, and you are your own. And a beauty such as that is one few people know."

The breath is very important to Buddhists. The truth of existence can be summed up in one breath--in and out. I have never known this truth so clearly as I did last night. When we like something, we breathe it in. We breathe it in and we breathe it in and we breathe it in until we cannot hold another ounce of air, and we hope against all hope that we could have just one more sip. We hold our breath until we become purple in the face, and we feel our lungs are about to explode. Then, if we want to live, we must let go. Choking back tears, we slowly exhale the sweet breath which we have mustered, until we feel that last bit of air escape our lungs with a deep heaviness in our hearts. Then we breathe again.

Comments

batdog's picture

You got balls to send that.

You got balls to send that. Props! :-)
To quote the Janet Jackson song thats on right now: you are beautiful. You are loved. You are blessed.
But really youll look back on that outstreched hand and think that u were the bigger man.

5thstory's picture

That was very magnanimous of

That was very magnanimous of you. It's his loss, and, after all, someone so blind need to solve his own business first, before getting more variables in the equation, no?

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Ultimately, you can't make anyone come out before they are ready. It's sort of like that thing that pops up on turkeys (for people who prefer to feast over the corpse of a dead bird on Thanksgiving), at some point, when the turkey hits the right point, it pops up when it's ready. You can say it should be ready, it's cooked long enough, the temperature's right... you can question whether it's broken, but you really don't play a role in that process aside from the mental gymnastics you attach to it.

Also, and this is a sad reality, the person who usually helps the person come out is never the person who ends up with them. I mean, if you're a total mess in front of someone, it's always more attractive to go after someone who never saw the mess but only the happy end result. Seen that play out again and again..

And... isn't this the third post whereby you were done with him? I look forward to the next installment. :-)

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

msquared's picture

Haha, yeah...

I guess I have been saying I'd drop this guy for a while now. I'm preeeetty sure this is the end, though. There's an air of finality about.

Feh, such optimistic advice you've given me! XD Jeez, that hurts. Oh well...even though this guy is the most gorgeous piece of flesh I've ever laid eyes upon, when it comes to what he's like deep down, where it really counts, I don't think he's grade A material. I could do better...maybe I'll hit the jackpot and find another cute gay Buddhist poet somewhere around here...

“Never forget! The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

deepspace87's picture

your a really good

your a really good writter.... you have some great discriptions when you tell something

Never be afraid to stand up for whats right. If you lose your values, you've lost yourself, so dont let someone change you into someone you arnt. Don't be afraid of the punishment, Rejoyce in the freedom that let to it.

Disney's picture

:(

I'm so sorry it didn't work out tidily, but that's awesome that you came to that conclusion and got out all that you wanted to and realize that this tawdry teen is not the one for supafly Matt! You should rig a bag of flour to drop from his locker when he opens it now. Or pink glitter! Imagine it!

You're Amazing.

the ghost's picture

Aww sorry that things didn't

Aww sorry that things didn't work out for you.But I think it took balls to send the text to him.I hope you find a chraming,lovely man worthy of your affections soon!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt