Welcome to the late-night version of Amy's mind...
Not that it's at all interesting or mind captivating...
After all, it's 1:30 in the morning and I'd rather be sleeping...
I have an effinity for doing things I shouldn't. I like it. I like knowing that at any moment, I could get caught. But I never do, so I keep right on rule breaking.
I'm grounded. Possibly for all of eternity. Until I turn 18 maybe. I don't care. After all...I'm still on the computer and I'm still going out and about and hey...my life doesn't suck any more than it usually does. So I'm not sure how this is suposed to make me seek forgiveness for my sins.
Okay, so maybe I finally got caught. What did I do? Well...I won't tell. Many have asked and I have told none. It is my secret to tell and no one else's.
Tonight of all nights, for some reason, I miss the girl who attempted to ruin my life. I say attempted, because if you try to play dirty with me, it's you who ends up in pain. She's currently suspended for 10 days for drinking at school. I win. But do I? Because of the things she said, I miss him...
Him? Him who? Well...I suppose in this facet of life, I am truly guilty. I do things simply because I want to. Now, I suppose you're asking yourself if that isn't why everybody does things. You've read this far because you wanted to right? I thought so. Well...I did the forbidden. I'm 17, he's...well...considerably older than me. Not nessacarly old enough to be my father...But old enough to make it illegal. And where did I find this man? School. Yes, that's right. Like I said, I'm guilty. It's not like he was faithful to his wife to begin with. Oh yes, I'm terrible...It's not like I'm proud. I've just had a long time to accept who I am. And by now, I think I know that I'm not going to change. So when I wanted him...I pursued. And he followed...I'm not saying I slept with him. But I would have. And who knows, maybe I still will.
She told. Because she was upset that I broke up with her. For reasons that had nothing to do with him. We promised to be honest, so when she said she wouldn't tell, I believed her.
Monday afternoon: I'm sitting in the vice princapal's office denying everything. Lying through my teeth as if it's the last thing I'll ever do. Because if it doesn't work, it just might be. I know he'll deny everything...Something we agreed upon before we ever touched. And by Tuesday morning everything is fine again, except I can't talk to the one person I've let myself trust. Something we both decided was nessacry, so there is no reason for anybody to suspect anything.
But oh, the things I've told him. I'm sure he could write a book. He talked me through so much. When I was pregnant, he held me while I cried and told him everything that I could remember. I don't remember much, except that it hurt oh so much. Rape is like that. And then, when I decided to keep the baby, he helped me see all my options. And when I lost the baby...He held me again while I cried. Through relationships and moving out of my parent's house at 16, he has seen me through everything. We became friends and maybe we crossed a line or two. But I have no regrets.
Her and I were together for nearly 8 months. She was my friend and then my girlfriend, and then my lover and then the person I couldn't recognize. I guess I put that empty look in her eyes. All I did was not be able to love her. And oh, she was in so deep. Your first love is like that.
If she had kept her mouth closed, would we still be apart? I don't know.
So that's what my life has been since I posted last. I became a lurker for a few months...Tonight, everything hurts worse than usual...I don't remember the last time I cried...Actually I do...A week ago...She and I were talking about the girl I fear that I will always love. Somedays I'm ok with that love and somedays, I wish it didn't exist.
I'm out of finger nails to bite down to the quick...I'd rather not bleed from ripping off my nails...I'm resisting the things I hide in a ring box in my room. I know what it's like to bleed from my own hand...And tonight, I'd rather not give the world that satisfaction.
Who needs therapy when you have Oasis?