Gay Monogamy?

I bleed audio's picture

Lately I've been hooked to that show Queer as Folk because blockbuster has made it so readily available. Now I'm about halfway into season two and I got to wonder "Is monogamy completely dead?". No one in the show stays loyal to their significant other at all. It just kinda portrays homosexual life as a series of "tricks". I assume that this is just a stereotype of sorts because you can't uniformly classify everyone but I got to wonder if there's any validity in it. I mean I'm one of those people that believes that someone out there for me (kind of lame I know).

I'm about to enter the "dating scene" and I'm wondering what I should expect. I mean I'm out to try to find a boyfriend and not a random fuck, is that realistic? I know it's probably a case by case type of thing but I'm just looking for imput from someone who's been there.


jeff's picture

My take...

I think gay people look too much into media for representation, so it slightly clouds over the fact that heterosexuals wouldn't match up with their representation either. I mean, most of the "Friends" over nine seasons slept with everyone else on the cast at some point. I remember my now deceased grandfather refusing to watch the show since he didn't want to watch them all "partner swap," I believe he called it.

That said, there is definitely more promiscuity in the gay male world for a simple reason: no women involved. In a heterosexual model, the women typically controls when sex happens which is why it often takes X number of dates for this, then another X dated until that. The guy would sleep with them on the first date. And therein lies our problem: two guys involved.

With no one to put on the brakes, few people do. You go out with someone, they're not going to be right for you to date, the vibe isn't exactly there for more, but you had a nice time with them, and they're still hot if not good dating material... so you hook up anyway.

Of course, you control all this. Don't want to be a random fuck? Don't randomly fuck. That's all there is to it.

I don't think they are mutually exclusive, though. In fact, there is some part of me that thinks casual sex is a requirement for eventual long-term success. The biggest cause of breakups is sexual incompatibility, in various forms (breakups, boredom, disinterest).

So, if you find an amazing guy now, with little sexual experience, how do you know that in five years you won't be headed in different directions sexually? Casual sex lets you dip your foot into a bunch of different experiences and hone who you are in bed, what you like, should it be romantic, animalistic, rough, tender, so that you can better discern compatibility with the guys you do date. I think it would take longer to experiment with a long-term partner (unless you're both experimental and kinky) because you will sort of get into a groove, with only side trips away from your usual.

Of course, you're young, so if you find someone your own age, it is unlikely both of you, if either of you, will have been messing around with a bunch of guys and have a handle on this. In that case, the biggest thing is to make sure the communication is open from the beginning. If he's twisting your nipples like he's trying to open a really tight soda cap, and you're hating it, tell him. Otherwise, it's going to be nipple city every time around. You don't want to be one of these people writing Dan Savage asking how to tell your husband you've been faking your orgasm for the past ten years. If someone does something in an effort to give you pleasure, it helps immensely if you find it pleasurable, so let them know. I doubt he gets off on twisting things, so that's all for you. However, if you don't like it, it's usually a good sign that he will. People often are doing to you what they want done to them, so don't forget that aspect.

I agree that a monogamous relationship is the pinnacle, but even though you're a fairy, it is unlikely you're going to get the fairy tale and meet Mr. Right straight away. May as well use the hot boys in the interim to get good at sex, learn who you are, and most of all--- have fun! Safely, of course. You don't want to meet some prude who needs you to be a virgin or else he's not interested anymore.

And, you know, if you want, it's very common for people to offer List A of what they'll do sexually with tricks, and the Extended Dance Remix of List B when they're in a relationship.

Of course, the uber-message here is that you can't control this stuff anyway. You can't determine whether someone will stop dating you in 2 weeks, 2 months, two years, or two decades, so I think the Tao of Gay Sex is: there is only now (which is true of everything, of course).

The other takeaway is that, to my knowledge, there has never been anyone who on their deathbed said, "I wish I'd had less sex..."


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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anythingnotmyname's picture

I worry about the same

I worry about the same thing. I'm a college student and I had visions of joining the gay groups, etc-- I was disgusted by what I found, all promiscuity and casual sex. I quickly retreated back to my closet, but now that I've had time to regroup I've decided it's only the most highly visual homosexuals that behave this way, and I can't judge an entire group on a few individuals.

How I find the quiet ones looking for a meaningful relationship is slightly more puzzling....

jeff's picture


If everyone like you leaves the group, how are people like you supposed to find one another?

I imagine all the sex is consensual, so you're safe to go.

Not sure of your "highly visual" theory, seems based on too little experience, too little sample size, and too much projected morality.


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!